Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting and Screaming and Biting

On Saturday evening, I posted this cheery little ditty as my status on Facebook:
"Will someone please come pick up my kids? Please. Pick them up and take them far, far away. Just until bedtime. Bring ear plugs." 

One minute later, my friend with a newborn (her first, obviously) posted this: 
"Saturday night at home with my favorite girl. No place I would rather be! xoxo" 

Geez. What a rookie! All I could think to myself was that I'd love to see what she posts on this very night five years from now. No place she'd rather be? Bwaaahahaha! I can only think of a few places I'd like to be LESS than at home with these kids. Like Walmart when they have a sale on Crisco. Or a port-a-potty at a Dave Matthews concert (which I was 24 hours earlier). Or on a plane with a drunk man that invites me to his house in the Bahamas when I was 8 months pregnant. True story. 

Within a minute or two she got four "Likes." How sweet. All I got was a response from my friend Lisa offering me her three boys under the age of three. My response: "Lisa, I'll keep mine before I take yours. When the going gets rough I think 'at least I'm not Lisa.'"

So there I was griping on Facebook about how annoying my kids are while my friend, probably gazing longingly at her new daughter that very moment was over the moon with joy. Now I feel like worst mom on the planet.

It was interesting to see how one mom's Saturday night at home cursing the day she ever decided to procreate is another mom's best moment of her life. Whatever. 

In my own defense, dear Lord, I had a lonnnng day. JakeRyan fished in a tournament and I was alone with three very rowdy Suitcase Kids from the moment they woke up until JakeRyan got home exhausted at 7:00. Translation: no help. I don't know how stay-at-home moms do it. Worse yet, stay-at-home moms with more than 3 kids. Or any kids still in diapers. There was hitting, screaming, screeching, scratching, kicking and crying. Oh God the CRYING! And fighting, yelling and destroying stuff.

Before it was even lunchtime I had pulled out paint and let them be artists. Little fighting Monets who complained that the other one's paint was better than the others. Little Picassos that needed their water dumped every two seconds.

If they were within two feet of one another someone was being touched. If someone (and by "someone" I mean Natalie) was being touched, she made a sound like her brother poked her with a hot dagger dipped in hydrochoric acid. Yes, it was that pleasant. 

3:00 rolled around and we walked out to the driveway for a jaunt to the grocery store. NOTE: I used the words "jaunt" and "grocery store" in the same sentence. So yes, a cart full of kids at the store would be more fun than I was having at home. Unfortunately, when we got out to the minivan the car seats we'd removed the night before were still out and I can't put them in myself...so back in the house we went for more hitting, screaming, screeching, scratching, kicking and crying.

Lather, rinse, repeat until bed time. Just gotta make it to bed time. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "Self-Portrait" Edition

As I was going through some old photos of the weeks just after Natalie was born today I came across this picture I took of me snuggling my girl. I can tell I took it by the way I have my arm up. 

I never paid much attention to this shot before because neither of us are our usual adorable selves.

And then I saw it... Do you see it? Look closer. Yes. I think that he's doing what you think he is. Damn animal. 

I'd like to point out that we live in a residential area with neighbors on three sides. And we have three bathrooms in our house.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Weird Husband Beliefs - My Letter to Katie Holmes

Assuming that none of us has been living in a cave the past couple of weeks, we know that Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise. Praise the Lord or if you believe in an alien leader, praise him too. We could have all said "I told you so" because we know what a whackadoo Tom was 7 years ago, but let's give the girl a break, he was Maverick after all.

Most reports say Katie bolted to protect her daughter from Tom's beliefs, let's call them "unconventional" - Scientology. I admit, the only things I know about this religion are those I learned in the best episode of South Park ever, about what Scientologists actually believe. If you haven't seen it you MUST click the link. I try not to be judgy but...

Anyhoo, seeing as I love writing blog letters to people named Kate, here's one to Katie Holmes to let her know I support her move:

Dear Katie,

Girrrrrl, you did the right thing. I'm totally with ya.

Our kids are our #1 priority and we have to save them at all costs from the completely moronic things their fathers believe. While admittedly my husband, JakeRyan, does border on somewhat normal (as opposed to your soon-to-be ex, the alien worshiping weirdo) he has quite a few beliefs that no mother would want her impressionable children subscribing to.  

You see, your husband is a couch-jumper and mine is a couch-sleeper, so we do have a bit in common. A "couch connection" if you will. I've included a photo of him. Like you, I too was mesmerized by his hansom good looks and didn't realize that he is a little loco en la cabeza if you know what I mean... 

So to make you feel better about your decision and let you know you're not alone, I'd like to share a little list of my own husband's beliefs that I'd like to protect my children from:

Weird Husband Belief #1 - "Underwear is optional on weekends and is only required at the office." Not the case. If you've got items that jiggle in your nether-regions (as most men do) you need to keep them contained at all times. Someone could get hurt.

Weird Husband Belief #2 - "Swiffering is not the same as vacuuming." The hell it's not! The Swiffer is the best invention of the 20th century and it revolutionized the halfassed cleaning methods of millions of people. I might start my own religion: Swiffertology. 

Weird Husband Belief #3 - "It's perfectly acceptable to put Thanksgiving dinner in a bowl and mush it up." I don't care if it's all going to the same place. Some meals are sacred. 

Weird Husband Belief #4 - "Movies are acceptable for kids as long as there are no curse words in them." Um, no. For example: Clash of the Titans is completely inappropriate and not a good way to "teach them Greek mythology." True story.

Weird Husband Belief #5 - "It's OK to pour the last of the old ketchup into the bottle with the new ketchup." NOOOO! This is just wrong. Do not cross contaminate. 

I'll tell you what Katie. If I could think of a #6 it might be the end for me and JakeRyan.

As for your next move: Us hopeless romantics would love to see you go back to your old fiance Chris Klein now that he's cleaned up. If you do, I'll write you another letter with handy tips on cleaning up a train wreck of a man. I've got 20 years of experience with this one.