Wednesday, February 29, 2012

WTF Wesnesday - The "Jolie-ing" Edition

If you've been living in a cave this week, you haven't heard that Angelina Jolie went a little nutty at the Academy Awards standing like a moron with her leg revealed out of the slit in her dress...the entire night. WTF?!?! Did I just say moron? Here it is if you need it: Angie's Leg.

Hmmm. This got me to thinking. I've been doing it all wrong for years. I hardly ever look good in pictures, but Angelina does. Now what can I do about this? I did a little experiment. What if everyday people adopted Jolie-ing into their lives?

Exhibit 1: Before & After

I think Angie's on to something. So I elicited the help of the important people in my life. First, Rach from the blog Life Ever Since. Normally, she looks really frumpy when she sweeps the kitchen, but look at this!

And then there's sweet Natalie. She can even make a minivan look good. But to be honest, she's been "Jolieing" since before Angelina even did it. 

And as you can see from the photo below, the Jolieing fixes my other photo dilemma: Kids not looking at the camera. It's a miracle! Problem solved! 

Here's my dad making his blog debut. Woo. HOT! Incidentally, my father is not a stranger to sassy poses. Right Dad? 

Sadly, the pose doesn't work for everyone. I think your heart just has to be in it. Case in point. Total lack of fierceness. Perhaps it was the outfit.

WTF Angie?!?! 

Monday, February 27, 2012

What WE Did While YOU Were at Blissdom

As far as I can tell, half of the blogging world was in Nashville last weekend at the blogging conference, Blissdom. Oh the giddiness, the Tweets, the Instagram photos of you in your sparkly dresses. It was all around lovely. Yet, some of us stayed home for various reasons. We may or may not have loved looking at pictures of what you ate while simultaneously reading tweets asking "where are you girl?" or "we're waiting on you by the elevator." Detecting jealousy? Perhaps...

Once again feeling left out like I did last summer when everyone was at BlogHer, a little group of my cohorts got together to let all the rest of you in on what WE were doing while you were all getting your Bliss on.

So without further ado: What WE Did While YOU Were at Blissdom:

I've said several times before that I'm a glass-half-empty kind of girl. So while everyone was in Nashville finding happiness, meeting the Lorax and taking pictures of Joe Jonas (shameful) I was here planning for the end of the world. Anybody ever seen Doomsday Preppers on the National Geographic channel? No? You've missed this little anxiety-inducing gem?  It's a bunch of unstable hillbillies (just my humble opinion) stockpiling food and collecting amo for when the proverbial shiznit hits the fan and people come to their house to steal all their canned goods. I happen to know this because JakeRyan can't turn it off while I'm trying to sleep. So since I had a little time on my hands I decided why not get our family pantry ready too. Being that I'm not a "planner" I decided that I'd be OK as long as I have ice cream, tampons, Mike Wazowski and obviously two very large containers of mayo. By the way, I'm actually IN this picture. Not sure if you can see me. I'm disguised. 

Kristin from What She Said spent the weekend cleaning out her junk room, where she came across a "goodie bag" from her bachelorette party... six years ago. Sadly, she will no longer be able to use steamy coupons entitling her to such indulgences as spending a day in the nude and jetting off to a tropical paradise now that she has a toddler running around. Also, she's wondering if anyone would like a copy of the book "Tickle His Pickle?" This doesn't seem like the type of thing you give to Goodwill. 

Oh and poor, poor Lindsay. She should change the name of her blog from With A Little Love and Luck to "With A Little Fiber and Air Freshener." She's been having some...we'll just call them "bathroom issues" and her doctor put her on a regimen of about 10 different things to fix it. As she puts it: "Apparantly I am literally full of shit. I may or may not have spent portions of the weekend doing the attached. Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?" 

Moving on. Don't let his cuteness deceive you. Elena's kid is a little slave driving perfectionist. When she's not blogging at Mommy is in Timeout  or teaching school,  she's taking orders from this one and his brother. On the docket this weekend: cleaning grout with a toothbrush with a preschooler pointing out every spot she missed. I like your mask Elena. Safety first! Also nice: How you have a mask and your son is breathing in the toxic Comet fumes. Good one! 

Toothbrushes are just not safe around here. Jen from the blog Buried With Children sent me this note when I asked her if she wanted to join in our little post. "Someday, I would really like to go to Blissdom, but I if I do go then I wouldn't be home where I can totally throw caution to the wind and clean the toilet...with my husband's tooth brush." Look at that evil grin! Oh Jen. I expect so much more from you. In related news, Jen's husband is 
looking for a new dentist. 

And then there's Galit of These Little Waves, possibly one of the happiest bloggers in the world. It's a shame she didn't go to Blissdom. They'd have given her her own session entitled "How to be Galit-y." Yes. It's an adjective. She says: "Jason and I went out on a date to a fancy-shmancy restaurant to celebrate our birthdays. This was our dessert - totally delish and totally sporting a HUGE knife in the middle. Make of that what you will."

Well Galit, I'm guessing your waitress just went through a breakup and the lovey dovey birthday dinner put her over the edge. The knife in the cake should be the least of your concerns. She also spit in your dinner. Happy Birthday, Love Ali!

And finally, Rusti from the blog My Life As An Officer's Wife got hit with a snow storm. No sparkly maternity dress for her. Instead of shaking her very pregnant groove thang at Blissdom she got stuck shoveling snow while her husband was on duty. The glitch: the shovel was nowhere to be found so being the resourceful gal she is, she found a spatula and had at it! "I'll tell you one thing," she said. "Those Pampered Chef utensils are totally multipurpose!"

So let's get to the important question: Who's staying home from BlogHer this year? 

Rach? Did you get your plumbing issues worked out? 

Friday, February 24, 2012

My Suitcase Full of Tricks: Random Ali Facts - Round 3

A few months after I got on Facebook for the first time just over three years ago, there was this Facebook note thing that went around asking for 25 Random Facts about you. I'm reposting to my blog with 2012 updates. If you missed Rounds 1 and two, here they are with another 2009 photo for your viewing pleasure. 

2009 Fact 11: Leaving The Company I used to work for was the best career move I ever made and I’m not ashamed to tell anyone who I worked for that absolutely SUCKED.

2012 Update: Yes, there were good times and there were *less than good* times. Mostly because I worked for two lunatics in a row. However, I did make some life-long friends there, got to sing ABBA songs with Suze Orman (and not the song you'd guess), got a future job from an former non-crazy manager and hastily dropped $40 in a slot machine at Atlantis because of my gig there. Not a total loss. And yes, I hid the name of the company for the blog. 

2009 Fact 12: I HATE HATE HATE reading books (except for Harry Potter)

2012 Update: Completely true. I've read maybe 2 non-Harry books since college. Books aren't my bag, baby and this is a huge issue now that I have a kid who has to do required reading for school. Ryan is no more fond of reading than I am and prefers magazines just like his mom. The short attention spans are going to be the death of us. 

I do plan on writing a little post on the status of me and Harry...soon. 

2009 Fact 13: I wanted a girl and got Ryan, wanted a boy and got Natalie…didn’t want Justin at all and I’m over the moon about him! 

2012 Update: Well obviously, my kids are still the genders they were when I wrote this. In addition, I'm no better at picking baby genders now. I'm never right. In fact, if I ever make a prediction about the gender of someone's baby, choose the opposite and go ahead and buy your gift and see if anyone wants to bet. 

I'm back to being over the moon about Justin. I wasn't so keen on him for a few years there, but he's coming back around and being less of a butt. I adore that little monster. 

2009 Fact 14: JakeRyan and I both need to have work done on our chests. Laser hair removal and a boob job respectively.

2012 Update: Thank you Groupon! My poor husband will begin enduring regular laser hair removal on his Grape Ape chest. Here's a tip that you can share with all the teenage boys in your life: you might be getting buff now and want a chest smooth as a baby's butt. But someday, you're wife is going to have babies, you'll have a real job and quit working out and all you'll be left with is a big hairy chest resembling Sasquatch. Don't shave it. And I haven't had a boob job. I'd never use a Groupon for that. And no, I wasn't calling him JakeRyan on Facebook back in 2009. 

2009 Fact 15: I’m very negative by nature, but almost always right. Really, I am. Don’t argue.

2012 Update: I just call 'em as I see 'em. I'm really working on this though and trying very hard to keep my mouth shut in real life and keep it pretty light-hearted for the blog. For those of you who have known me a long time, I'm doing awesome at this. I've cut my smartassery down to about 75%. Yes, the glass is half-empty, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "State of Gleepression" Edition

Geez Louise, Glee! WTF?!?! Ya think last night's episode could have been any more depressing?

I had a WTF Wednesday post half-written for today, but I have been in a state of Gleepression since I watched it on DVR last night. I won't spoil it for anyone, but holy crap it was a downer. The only things that could have made it worse was if a puppy had died or someone left the cake out in the rain.

No joke, I went to bed and couldn't sleep. And I have to wait seven more weeks to see what happened. I watch one hour of TV a week. ONE HOUR. And I watch it for the singing and Britney Spears Sex Riots, but I can't remember a single song from last night's episode because all I can think of is the gloom and doom. I'm in a fog from horrible stuff happening to my favorite McKinley kids.

I'm still wearing my Glee t-shirt that my sister gave me today. But it's paired with a pair of yoga pants and a gray hoodie. Not like on a good episode day it would be any more exciting, but maybe it would top a pair of jeans, some cute flats and I would have attempted some lipstick. Yes, I dress for Glee. Stop judging. 

So what's a girl to do when she's down in the dumps from her favorite show making her want to jump off the roof of McKinley High? Watch YouTube videos of her other favorite show, Will & Grace of course. This is bound to cheer anyone up.

I chose this one because I can't hear this song anywhere without thinking of this clip. I dare you not to laugh.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "Rare Mysterious ReindeerBear" Edition

If you're not familiar with the Rare Mysterious ReindeerBear, this is your lucky day.

Seems Justin got his father's "I Make Up Ridiculous Stories and Actually Believe Them" gene. Although JakeRyan usually does it with statistics. Just makes crap up and then quotes it. WTF?!?!

Luckily when Justin started to tell me all about the animal (that is no longer living because he killed it) I had my camera handy. Just ask a few questions and act interested (like I do with his father) and you'll get all the information you ever wanted to know.

About half-way through you'll learn what the ReindeerBear eats and I'm sure the answer will not surprise you coming from a 3-year-old boy.

WTF indeed!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Curse You St. Valentine and Pinterest

Yeah, look who got all creative and Pinteresty. I saw these months ago and couldn't resist.

Yes, my offspring will be sporting these little beauties at their respective Valentine's Day celebrations (or non-celebrations in Ryan's case). Why, you might ask, did I spend the time? 

Here's what I'm hoping the other parents will say:

Ryan's 2nd grade parents: "Wow. She never volunteers in the classroom, but these Valentines make me realize that she's trying to out-do the rest of us. I like her. She's one of us. We like to one-up each other." 

Natalie's Pre-K parents: "It's no surprise that Natalie is so uber-fabulous. Look at her Mommy."

Justin's 3-year-old parents: "Oh crap. Were we supposed to MAKE something? I just thought it was OK to go to Walmart and buy a box of Valentines. No? I'm new at this. Teach me Oh Wise Justin's Mom."

But, my friends, here are a few little secrets that Pinterest doesn't let you in on:
  • The cute little entries on Pinterest don't really tell HOW to do them so you have to wing it. 
  • This involves and Exacto knife. And this means trouble and possible injury.
  • Shoving lollipops through photographs takes talent and no over-eager child can help because they'll rip. Translation: You'll do it alone. All alone. By yourself. Alone. 
  • Transporting 3-dimensional Valentines isn't easy. Surely they'll be a mess by the time they get handed out. 
  • And then there's this: Pinterest Valentine's x 3 kids ain't for sissies. 

Happy Valentine's Day from our house to yours. 

And for good measure, Pinterest Valentine's hair.

Monday, February 13, 2012

What Happens In Vegas Ends Up On My Blog

I spent last week in Vegas for work. I'm still exhausted. So rather than writing a proper blog post, I'm gonna give you this lovely Instagram photo - yes, that's me in a feather showgirl headdress and super-cool company meeting lanyard - and tell you what happened. 

  • After a very long plane flight on which I cultivated my worst headache in recent history, I spent all of the 8-minute bus ride from the airport to the hotel praying to God that I didn't throw up in front of the 59 other company employees on board. Dear Lord, please. If you keep me from hurling all over the floor I swear I'll never ask for anything again for as long as I live. Amen. The only moment of diversion was when I looked up and saw the billboard for The Thunder From Down Under. The eight half-naked guys gave me a little pick-me-up. And then I started praying again. 
  • I popped two Aleve and spent the first two hours of the meeting in my room curled up on my bed in the fetal position. 
  • Natalie, my painfully shy daughter, was the Pickle Party's candidate in her Pre-K class elections. So since I was gone, JakeRyan (who never ran for office unlike me, a loser) had to make a poster, handouts and stickers. He forgot to help her prepare a speech so she got up in front of her class and cried. Thus a defeat. This week's lesson: How to BS like your mother.
  • I double-fisted coffee into my morning sessions. I wasn't risking it. 
  • My cohort Beth and I went to see KA, the Cirque du Soliel show in our hotel. It was magnificent, but I kept worrying that someone was going to fall and hurt their balls. Yes, this is how my brain works. 
  • Another co-worker told me, after my second helping of lunch, that I ate like a 300-pound Italian man. I took it as a compliment. 
  • I made the mistake of mentioning in front of people who don't know me that I often tell my 8-year-old that he's acting like an "asshole." Evidently my theory of how a well-timed curse word works wonders was lost on them. And the "you have to KNOW Ryan" explanation didn't help. 
  • I won $20 in poker chips for being a good participant in my sessions and promptly lost $13.50 in a slot machine in 90 seconds. I cashed out the rest and called it a day. 
  • Finally, I came home to this: 

I know what you're thinking: Yes, I do wear glasses. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "Humiliating Myself for A Paycheck" Edition

There are certain things you do in your career that you're just not proud of, but you suck it up and do it because you know your livelihood and your family's well-being would be in jeopardy if you don't. I love how that sounded so dramatic. 

I didn't do anything unethical or stab someone in the back (that would have probably been easier). Instead I had the distinct pleasure of humiliating myself in front of my husband.

We have a big meeting coming up and you can imagine my excitement when I got an email from a VP asking each of the attendees for four photos of ourselves. Ah crap. I'm just not good with this kind of stuff. Undoubtedly our disgrace would be flashed up on a bigscreen in front of about a thousand people. FUN!

- 2 pictures of me celebrating, laughing, smiling, etc. Meaning if I don't have any I'll need to pose some. 
- 2 pictures of me not looking at the camera doing my job, heading out for an appointment, etc. Again Posing. 

Jesus H. How mortifying! I waited until the last possible minute to ask my husband to help. I had actually considered getting Ryan to do it, but knew I had no chance of him being able to focus the new fancy camera.

It was 6:30 at night, and it was due at the end of that yeah, I was kinda late. I went upstairs, put on a presentable shirt, some bright lipstick, pulled my hair out of the ponytail and told my husband to take pictures. "OK, let's just get this over with."

I felt like such a cheeseball. Celebrating? Sorry, couldn't bring myself to send those in. With my luck there'd be a picture of me with a "WOOOOOO!" face that made it into the slide show. Oh look, there's Ali Wooooing. And all this time we thought she didn't drink. 

Doing my job. I sit at a desk that's actually in a closet in my house and talk on the phone all day. I wear yoga pants and t-shirts. I also do this alone and nobody would ever just sneak up on me while I'm on a client call and take my picture. 

Then I thought I might have a little fun with it. So I pulled up my blog on my computer screen and JakeRyan began snapping a series of out-of-focus pictures. He was gracious and didn't even make fun of me once. Probably because he doesn't want to be the sole breadwinner. And what would a lame-o dorky-posed work photo be without our friend Mike Wazowski? 

And because I love you I'm posting my humiliation here fore you. 


And for your viewing pleasure, here is the WOOO!