Monday, August 27, 2012

Alright Isaac, Time to Ship Out - We've Had Enough

Hey. Me again. Yes, writing about this stinking storm again. My gosh, it's been hanging out way longer than we've ever seen for a tropical storm. Every time the phone rings I think it's going to be God calling to tell me to gather up two of every animal which totally sucks because I only have two male dogs and a geriatric fish. Who am I kidding? God would never call on me for anything. Very unreliable. 

We've had torrential rain on and off for two days. Like ON for 59 minutes, off for one. School will be canceled again tomorrow and I'll be boarding my once-canceled flight to Tampa for a second try (which as of right now is still a go!).

Why is school canceled, you might ask? Flooding. No real damage, just floods that are impassable for people who don't drive monster trucks. I'm not keen on attempting it in the morning in the minivan, but I'll do anything out of loyalty to my company (threw that in there because I know some of my colleagues read my blog. Somebody put in a good word for me.) Really, I'm excited to see my co-workers!

You know the rest: Cooped up kids, husband with terrible judgement, stupid inflatable boat from Aunt Lisa, dog who will do anything as long as the kids are there, me grasping for anything to blog about, yadda, yadda.

What? You thought I'd leave Mike out of the fun? Never!

And again, friends up in Louisiana, I hope Isaac weakens. STAY SAFE!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Isaac Isn't Just the Bartender on the Love Boat

We're South Floridians, practically natives, so tropical storms and hurricanes aren't anything new to us.

Today, we experienced nothing more than some nasty feeder bands from Tropical Storm Isaac, the tricky little bugger that hopefully will only go down in history for cutting the Republican National Convention in Tampa short. Fingers crossed that it miraculously weakens...

Shortly after I helped JakeRyan take the canopy off our brand new gazebo, I let the Suitcase Kids come out and party in a really fun puddle that had accumulated on the back patio since it the rain was taking a break and there was no thunder. Notice there is a pool in the background? Gallons and gallons of water don't hold a match to a couple of dirty inches of the stuff hanging out where it isn't supposed to be.

And there I stood under the patio roof, snapping away while screaming at them to not splash too close to me or they'd get water on my lens. I even multitasked by having a conversation with a co-worker regarding our trip tomorrow to work the convention in Tampa. Yes, I'm working it. 

You know what else is totally underrated (in addition to the pool)? Clean water from inside the house. I wish I could say that the water Justin is spewing in the next photo was a result of him standing there with his mouth open to the sky for 10 minutes collection the drizzle. On the contrary. Why work hard when you can get down on your hands and knees and slurp up water than your siblings and your DOG have been playing in?

It wasn't just Justin, the others did it too as you can see in the photo below. Yum! I told them to stop at least a dozen times before I figured if I can't beat 'em I might as well photograph it for future blackmail. In fact, I didn't get them to stop until I pointed out how close the puddle was to a big pile of Brucie's poop and said that the rain was washing poop into the water that they were drinking. A little poop fear goes a long way.

To all my friends up in the gulf states and on Florida's west coast and the panhandle - STAY SAFE!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Five Elements of Horrible First Day of School Photos

Poor child #3. In a minute I might even remember his name. Oh yeah, it's Justin.

Today was his first day of Pre-K. In my own defense, it wasn't his real first day. He went to the same school last Friday. Same classroom. Same kids. He got a new teacher who he's seen on the playground every day for two years. So really it was no big whoop.

School started at 9:00 and at 8:50 we were still upstairs. "Justin, brush your teeth." Ali glances at the clock. Oh shit. We're late. "Never mind. You're going with stank breath. Way to impress Ms. Maureen on the first day..." With this, my child who HATES to brush his teeth insisted that today was the day he was turning over a new oral hygiene leaf. I agreed to let him meet me downstairs.

I yanked him out the door and shoved him in front of the traditional First Day of School Picture Tree and began snapping the worst photos in the history of rushed-non-real-first-day-of-Pre-K photos.

This one was particularly good. So I present to you the Top 5 Elements to Screw Up A First Day of School Picture.

1. Large 48-hour-old knot on the forehead. Friday night, six hours before his 4th birthday. Justin had a freak "Standing Accident." One minute he was standing there, the next minute he hit his head on the tile. Just like that. I wish I could come up with a better story. This picture doesn't do justice to its beautiful purple and green tones.

2. Eyes closed. It wasn't very sunny out. I swear he did it on purpose because half of the pictures from the morning are like this. It's like he closed them in exasperation from the 32 previous seconds of picture taking.

3. The grill. Do you call this a smile? What is it? Looks like he has a bad taste in his mouth and he doesn't want to shut it. So yes, he purposely jutted out his bottom jaw and bared his teeth. Luckily they were newly brushed. Probably the best brushing of his career.

4. Water spots from brushing his teeth. This shirt was actually the result of a wardrobe change. The brand new t-shirt he got for his birthday did not fit him to his pint-sized satisfaction, so I had to throw him in a hand-me-down golf shirt from his brother. In fact one of those water stains is a real stain.

5. Toothpaste. But of course. By the time I noticed we were already outside. Door locked, the whole bit. The toothpaste shirt would have to do. Plus, who am I fooling? We've been at the school for two years. The bar is already set low. What harm will a little toothpaste do at this point?

SO - Let me see your WORST First Day of School Pictures. Post them to the blog's Facebook page and I'll give a shout-out to the particularly awful ones. Won't this be fun?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It's a Flying Rip Off, That's What It Is.

Do you know what this item is?

STOP!!!!! Do not say "a Frisbee." I'll save you the time, it's not a Frisbee. JakeRyan guessed that too.

It is, in fact, a Captain America flying shield. A FLYING SHIELD! Not a Frisbee, which is why Toys R Us can get away with charging $10 for it. I repeat: not a Frisbee.

Yes, it's shaped like a Frisbee, it's about the size of a Frisbee, has a handy little lip-thing that you can hold on to like a Frisbee, but it also has a piece of elastic on the back so your kid can stick his arm through it. Therefore it is a Flying Shield. Elastic = Shield. 

So for those you nerds that are doing the math in their heads, manufacturingly speaking (yes, I made up a word) that's about $1 for the Frisbee shield part, and $9 for the elastic.

My favorite part is the area of the packaging that says "The Shield Really Flies!"


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "Beginning of a Hoarder" Edition

WTF? Seriously...WTF Ryan?!?! I just don't even know where to go with this. Are YOUR kids this weird? Please make me feel better.

And now the answers to the obvious questions:

Answer to question #1 - Broken pencil leads of course... I mean COME ON!

Answer to question #2 - More than 60. Evidently from regular pencils, thick ones, thin ones, even mechanical ones.

Answer to question #3 - Hidden in the teeny, tiny, little pocket of Ryan's backpack. I found them as I was putting it in the wash to get ready for school. How long did it take him to get this many?

Answer to question #4 - WHO THE HELL KNOWS? I asked him, he doesn't even know why.

He's been doing this his whole life. Pants pockets have been filled with rocks, mulch and acorns. Most of which I was able to intercept before they made it into the washer.

But broken pencil leads? I am at a loss.


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Raise Your Hand if You Like to Waste Time

Oh shut up. Yes I'm a blog-neglecting whiner, I know it, but this week was a little sketchy with a bunch of sick kids. Good news is that I have two half-written posts just waiting for the spirit to move me and put more words into this little brain of mine. Of course that's assuming that you actually think a new blog post by Ali is "good news" as opposed to "who the hell gives a flying fig?"

Anyhoo...yesterday I was sitting at my computer putting Natalie's new song from hip hop class on my iPhone (yes I was) and decided to clean some of the 1,300 pictures I'd saved. And then I made a collage of a bunch of really old ones. Because what else would a busy mom do? Certainly not fold laundry or do dishes. Collages are funtastic!

So here I am sharing it because I certainly don't ever inundate anyone with pictures of my kids.