Wednesday, October 10, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "Giant Urinal" Edition

I recall my grandfather once referring to a public pool as a "giant urinal" and that colorful, yet revolting, comparison pretty much solidified how I would feel about them for life. He was a wise man.

JakeRyan and I took the Suitcase Kids to a 100% kid-geared hotel in Orlando for the weekend. We chose it because of it's giant 4-level water play area with several big slides, yadda yadda. As the kids darted away to begin their day of chlorinated play, I screamed the obligatory "stay together" knowing darn well they wouldn't. Within 5 seconds, I was lucky to still have sight of one of my children. It was Justin, the shrimpy kid whose height was being measured by a lifeguard for the first of 100 times that day.


There I was, standing in ankle-deep water with my dry bathing suit cover-up still in it's rightful place, slides in front of me, pool behind me. I needed to make a move. As much as I wanted to be a cool mom and join in, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My feet were already contaminated and that was enough for me. I might have imagined my grandfather looking down on me from heaven (this is arguable) muttering something about Fromunda Cheese. (Google it)

I politely observed the kids going on and off slides from the ground as JakeRyan (who happened to have stitches and was forbidden by his doctor to swim at the time) dutifully walked up the steps and kept watch from a few levels above. He knows a losing battle when he sees it.

I maintained a solid stance, eyeballing and scrutinizing every person I saw, kinda like my own little Mean Girls movie in my head. Eww. Gross. She shouldn't be wearing that bathing suit. Is that a sweater or his back hair? Dear Lord, you just look dirty...

And all the people I watched were being sloshed by water. Water dripping over every inch of their bodies going back into the same receptacle that feeds the slides my kids were loving. 

And then before I knew it, the kids ran right past me into the pool. EWWWWWWW! Sharing the same water as those...PEOPLE!

Side note:
I used to try to deter the kids from drinking bath water by calling it "Butt Soup." I explained that butts are dirty and they're sitting in water, thus Butt Soup. It was pretty effective.

This was a colossal pot of Butt Soup! Nobody was swimming in this pool. They were just sitting there festering. It was a giant bath tub and all of their juices were being combined. I wouldn't get in to investigate, but I'm sure there were plenty of loose hairs floating in the film of sunscreen and e coli at the top of the water.

In my defense, I would have totally gone for a dip if none of the following people got in:
  • People who sweat
  • People who urinate
  • People with dirty feet
  • People with dreadlocks
  • People wearing bandaids
  • People who SHOULD be wearing a bandaid
  • People with green snot dripping from their nose
  • People with balls of deodorant in their pits
  • Oh God! Anyone with balls! 
  • People who suck in pool water and spit it out, thus having spit bubbles on their chin
  • People who have recently touched their own crotch
  • People who have recently touched someone else's crotch
  • People who might fart in the pool thus making it a jacuzzi
  • The mother who used her own hand to wipe her kid's green snot - this was me. I did that.
"Are you coming in Mommy?"

"Nope. I'm good." 

WTF?!?!

22 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha - Butt Soup. I'm using it. Thank you for the smiles today.

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  2. Yup this pretty much sums up how I feel about public pools too - especially since my own sons are proud contributors to the urinal.

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  3. I don't think I can ever go in a pool again after the way you described it! Even though I was already skeeved out about them -- you sealed the deal!

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  4. Ha! I'm sure this is why the YMCA pool was so chlorinated that my kids' swimsuits were completely faded by the end of the summer.

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  5. to add to your list:
    -any body of water that allows people to float on inner tubes and drink beer

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    1. Yeah, they shouldn't be contributing to the pee problem by offering beer.

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  6. I feel that way about lakes. I honestly don't think I could even get in a lake - GAH! all that stagnant water. With pools I console myself with the fact that at least all the chemicals kill the gook.

    It's still all gross.

    Give me the ocean - preferably a private beach ocean

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  7. Hysterical. And so true. I am absolutely a pool snob. You perfectly captured why.

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  8. I am not sure I can ever go in a pool again. Also? I think you just made me gag a little.

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  9. I don't think I have ever been so proud of you. If you included a Dees joke, this would be my favorite story ever.

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  10. butt soup.

    absolutely stealing that.
    not even giving you credit.
    (they will LOVE ME!)
    thank ya ;)

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  11. After reading this I am even less inclined to take my kids to a water park. Yuck!!! ;)

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  12. We call it 'butt juice' at our house. :) Love this post! Hilarious!

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  13. Pools are filled with chemicals, chemicals kill all things... at least that is what I tell myself.

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  14. Reminds me of that scene from Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Husband LOVES these things, but he's always back at work while I'm dealing with whatever plague my kids caught from these wretched cesspools. Think skin things and vomiting.

    Sorry. Sometimes I should just shut up.

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  15. Once again, I am laughing my head off as i gag with your descriptive picture of why i should continue to avoid public pools.....BTW my kid wants to go the soooo badly, was considering it but now, no way. I will definitely use your blog as the reason why.... hahaha

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  16. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go in a public pool again.

    Thanks for that.

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  17. Ha ha you have just created a fear of pools for me...never will I go in! :)

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  18. Wow! I'm ruined. I've always been squeamish about public pools, but this took it to the next level...especially since we just visited that SAME GIANT URINAL. Hilarious! Love your blog. Not sure how I got here, but I'm staying...

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  19. Public pools gross me out. The least disgusting thing is the urine. The most disgusting? The hair. I just puked in a little in mouth thinking about it. Second to hair is snot. *vomit* And people. People are disgusting.

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  20. Correction. Poop is the most disgusting thing. When I was younger (and stupid-er) I was floating in a lazy river when I noticed a lazy turd floating by. So. Much. Grossness.

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  21. Ali, butt soup is definitely the way to go to keep kids from putting bath or pool water in their mouths. Genius!!

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