Thursday, July 12, 2012

Weird Husband Beliefs - My Letter to Katie Holmes

Assuming that none of us has been living in a cave the past couple of weeks, we know that Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise. Praise the Lord or if you believe in an alien leader, praise him too. We could have all said "I told you so" because we know what a whackadoo Tom was 7 years ago, but let's give the girl a break, he was Maverick after all.

Most reports say Katie bolted to protect her daughter from Tom's beliefs, let's call them "unconventional" - Scientology. I admit, the only things I know about this religion are those I learned in the best episode of South Park ever, about what Scientologists actually believe. If you haven't seen it you MUST click the link. I try not to be judgy but...

Anyhoo, seeing as I love writing blog letters to people named Kate, here's one to Katie Holmes to let her know I support her move:
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Dear Katie,

Girrrrrl, you did the right thing. I'm totally with ya.

Our kids are our #1 priority and we have to save them at all costs from the completely moronic things their fathers believe. While admittedly my husband, JakeRyan, does border on somewhat normal (as opposed to your soon-to-be ex, the alien worshiping weirdo) he has quite a few beliefs that no mother would want her impressionable children subscribing to.  


You see, your husband is a couch-jumper and mine is a couch-sleeper, so we do have a bit in common. A "couch connection" if you will. I've included a photo of him. Like you, I too was mesmerized by his hansom good looks and didn't realize that he is a little loco en la cabeza if you know what I mean... 

So to make you feel better about your decision and let you know you're not alone, I'd like to share a little list of my own husband's beliefs that I'd like to protect my children from:

Weird Husband Belief #1 - "Underwear is optional on weekends and is only required at the office." Not the case. If you've got items that jiggle in your nether-regions (as most men do) you need to keep them contained at all times. Someone could get hurt.


Weird Husband Belief #2 - "Swiffering is not the same as vacuuming." The hell it's not! The Swiffer is the best invention of the 20th century and it revolutionized the halfassed cleaning methods of millions of people. I might start my own religion: Swiffertology. 


Weird Husband Belief #3 - "It's perfectly acceptable to put Thanksgiving dinner in a bowl and mush it up." I don't care if it's all going to the same place. Some meals are sacred. 


Weird Husband Belief #4 - "Movies are acceptable for kids as long as there are no curse words in them." Um, no. For example: Clash of the Titans is completely inappropriate and not a good way to "teach them Greek mythology." True story.


Weird Husband Belief #5 - "It's OK to pour the last of the old ketchup into the bottle with the new ketchup." NOOOO! This is just wrong. Do not cross contaminate. 

I'll tell you what Katie. If I could think of a #6 it might be the end for me and JakeRyan.

As for your next move: Us hopeless romantics would love to see you go back to your old fiance Chris Klein now that he's cleaned up. If you do, I'll write you another letter with handy tips on cleaning up a train wreck of a man. I've got 20 years of experience with this one.

Fondly,
Ali

30 comments:

  1. Awesome list! I think most of my knowledge on all religions comes from South Park. Damn clever, those writers!

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  2. Love. this. SO.

    I'm Team Katie, too, and so thrilled Joey Potter is finally free! Yahoo!

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  3. Laughing.My.Ass.Off.

    LOVE your list. and I'm so with ya - on all of it :)

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  4. If you need a safe house, you know where I live.

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  5. Loved this, and if those are the only weird things your husband does, you're in a good place my friend ;)

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  6. Is Jeff also in the closet?

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  7. Husbands... they are just weird. I am glad you shed some light on this.

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  8. Wonderful post! Glad I'm not alone with an odd husband. They are all a bit weird. Thank goodness he has me.

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  9. You are too funny. My husband is a couch sleeper, too. And I may need to join your Swiffertology religion!!! :)

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  10. See... that list is true for so many husbands! Mine especially.... and what is the deal with the lack of underwear on weekends?!?!?

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  11. Swiffertology - I'd join that religion.

    Your husband and I do have some things in common. But I want you to keep being my friend, so I won't tell you what they are.

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    1. I knew I could count on you to join me in my halfassery.

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  12. I like your husband's William Shatner face.

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  13. Ha! Now I am imagining man parts jiggling around a la Juno.

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  14. Wow, that's so funny I just said the same thing to my husband about Katie getting back with Chris Klein. Haha!

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  15. I support Jake in Belief 3 and 5

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  16. LOL!!

    Love this! My husband is a wee bit nuts as well but I realize he'd say the same about me so I keep my yap shut.

    What do you think your husband would say about you?

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  17. I'm glad the husband narrowly escaped getting kicked to the curb - you guys are cute and I'd hate to see him cross the line by getting TOO odd. :) Also, you're so right about that episode - best South Park ever!

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  18. Wow. I thought I was the only one cheering on a Chris Klein reunion. I suddenly don't feel so alone in the world. Hilarious as usual!

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  19. Wait, worshiping aliens is weird? This had me cracking up!

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  20. Swiffertology! YES! (Jumping on a couch right now. Oprah may or may not be here.) Ellen

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  21. Ha ha oh my a mush of Thanksgiving dinner all together now that's just wrong!

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  22. I'll join you for Swiffertology only if I can enroll my kids so they can learn how to clean.

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  23. I would like to join swiftertology.

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  24. My first husband had an alarming belief that color coordination in clothing was purely optional. I had to get out in order to protect the children.

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  25. I too enjoy Thanksgiving dinner goulash....but ONLY when eating leftovers!

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  26. My husband believes if the clothing still fits, it's still in style. You can imagine my horror.

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  27. oh my gosh that was funny.

    My husband believes "air sandwiches" are perfectly suitable for lunch for the kids on the days I work.

    My poor babies.

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