Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Let Me Ass You a Question

As the cousins sat lined up in the pool, annoyed that they had to stop playing to get their pictures taken, I stood across the way graciously waiting my turn to have them divert their attention to me. I know these children and I also know the probability of having more than 75% of them looking at the camera at the same time is about as likely as me growing a pair of 34DDs as I approach my 37th birthday.

Finally, somebody yelled "make a silly face" to which most of the kids obliged. But not Natalie. It's never 100%.

Later that night Natalie sat on the arm of my chair as I popped the memory card into the computer so I could show her the pictures I took.

As she looked at the group shot, unprompted she offered the following explanation: "I didn't make a funny face because I didn't want to be an ass."

In the spit second it took both of us to digest what word she had used (a semi-bad word completely inappropriate for a child, but acceptable for adults as a not-real curse word when used without the word "hole"), we realized the following:

Natalie realized that she just said a bad word and may have gotten away with it.

I realized that my child just said a bad word...but wait! She understands what an "ass" is and this is good because in the long run I don't want her to make one of herself, especially in photos, right?  Praise the Lord! My daughter knows the definition of "ass"! As well she should living in the same house as her father. 

And to sum it up:

But rather than stating the obvious reason as to WHY I don't want her to be an ass I'll tell a little story.

A few years ago when Facebook was all the rage, we knew several young women having what we'll call "a lot of fun." Let's just say they were well-hydrated and armed with a camera.

Every day my prudish 30-something-mother-of-3 self would get on FB and find photos of the previous night's galavanting in my newsfeed. One in particular liked to stick her tongue out. A lot... in more than half of her pictures except for the ones where she was making the duck face. Don't know what Duck Face is? Click here. She might have had her tongue out in the one where she was peeing in a sink and in the several when she looked like she was about to kiss her girlfriends.

And to be honest, I really worried what other people thought about her because I like her so much.

As an old person, I just couldn't figure this out. I painstakingly judged my own photos to make sure I didn't look like a moron before I posted them. I totally care what people think of me. Why was this concept hard the young'uns? Then it occurred to me that most likely nobody ever said anything to them. Perhaps: "Maybe you should see a doctor about that tongue problem." Or "Do you eat a lot of spicy foods or something?" "DO YOU REALIZE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASS?"

I completely feared that some day my own child would do the same. 

So that, my friends, is why I allowed Natalie to get away with saying "ass." Isn't that the most amazing end to a blog post ever. Nothing flashy. 


  1. I can't stop laughing at the edit. I might make that my new wallpaper.

  2. That creepy guy up there is making your kids' pic his wallpaper. Damn internet.


    You've taught your daughter well, on so many levels!

  3. This is precious! What a smart kid!

  4. Natalie is amazingly smart. You know you won't have to worry about her being on reality tv.

  5. This could be a good thing. If she doesn't want to look like an ass, I'd bet she won't grow up to be like Snooki or something either.

  6. LMAO I'm an ass & it's totally proven with my FB profile picture.

    I have a feeling when I show up at your house & make you hang out with me, I'm totally gonna embarrass you without even trying.

    Because I'm an ass.

  7. She is a smart ass

  8. When genius rears its head, you embrace it. Otherwise, you'd be acting asinine. :)

  9. She is wise beyond her years. Let's hope she isn't sucked into the duck face phenomenon.

  10. Ali, Natalie is sooo your daughter! I don't know how you held in the laughter of her using the word ass so appropriately. Sometimes our kids just say exactly what we are thinking and it just works!

  11. Her mother's daughter, isn't she? :) Very funny...

  12. Just in time for the first anniversary of Jackass star's death. Thanks for the multiple LOL

  13. She would be good friends with my little one who likes to tell me to move my asshole.

  14. I completely agree with her. No one wants to look like an ass. No one wants to look like they have a stick up their butt either, but that's a lesson for another day. Found you at finding the funny.

  15. If more ppl explained this to their children maybe we wouldn't have half naked 12 yr old running around.

    Cover your ass!