Wednesday, May 9, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "She Could Have Just Said Toothpaste" Edition

It's dinnertime at the Suitcase House. I was in the kitchen and the kids are sitting at the table eating a nutritious meal of spaghetti and no vegetables when I heard the following coming from my angelic 5-year-old daugter:

"Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy..."

I look up from whatever I was doing with an expression of utter horror on my face. WTF?Please Lord tell me I'm having an aneurysm. 

"Got my glasses...out the door...hit this city."

This cannot be happening. Not in my house. We don't listen to that shit. It it possible that she's been brainwashed by some unruly little classmate who has replaced the "S" in her name with a dollar sign and whose mother has atrocious taste in music? I have a few ideas of which kid it could be. Holy crap. 

"...brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..."

I couldn't take it any more. I had to jump in and put a stop to this madness. Before I go on, let me just say that I'm a huge slacker when it comes to policing what my children listen to (and even watch). I err on the side of "don't let your children come to my house."

We went a few weeks where our nightly ritual was YouTubing the I'm Sexy and I Know It video just to laugh hysterically and often at the undulating. Natalie's favorite video is Fun's We are Young which features a bar fight and a stuffed horse being ripped to pieces - if anyone can explain the symbolism with the horse, I'd love to hear your theory. WTF?

But listening to drivel like Ke$ha or as Principal Figgens calls her "K-E -dollar sign - ha" is where I draw the line. Simply because she's annoying and ridiculous. Her music sucks and her outfits are moronic. She's self-absorbed and talentless. And annoying. Yes, fully aware I said annoying twice. 

Me: "Natalie. Don't sing that. You don't even know what it means."

Nat: "Yes I do."

Me: "Oh yeah? What's a 'bottle of Jack?'"

Nat: "It's not Jack. It's jacks. Like the game."

Ryan: "No it's not. You can't put jacks in a bottle and how would you even brush your teeth with them?"

Oh great. Now the kid who wasn't involved had to jump in to point out the unlikelihood of putting metal toys in a bottle. I knew I should have never sent him to school to learn stuff.

Me: "It's not jacks."

Ryan: "Then what IS a bottle of Jack?"

Me: "Never you mind."

Ryan: "It's alcohol isn't it?"

Now here's where I make the parenting decision of whether to just answer straight out (which wouldn't be so bad) or ignore it... Let's see how I handled this craptastic situation.

Me: "Why would you say that?"

And here's where my son uses logic to corner me into discussing something that I'd rather not. It's a classic. 

Ryan: " goes with is an alcohol... Monterrey JACK is a type of I think a bottle of JACK is alcohol."

I was too confused to argue. I told him the truth: A bottle of Jack IS alcohol. And then much to my astonishment Natalie, who I thought had tuned out around the time she was "gonna hit this city" chimed in.

Nat: "Oh my GOSH! What is Kayla singing about? That's weird."

Precisely. I blame it on the fact that both Kayla and Ke$ha both start with a K and end in A. I think this is no coincidence.


  1. Too funny. Your kids are so clever. This song is on the Just Dance 2 Wii game. We love the game. Hate the song.

  2. At least there was no mention of junk touching.

  3. Sometimes I wish I could just teach the kids not to speak to anyone but mom and dad...

  4. Kids say or sing the darnest things. Unfortunately, we can't "protect" them from bad music all of the time. After listening to that song I need a bottle of Jack... and I don't even like whiskey. :)

  5. I loved when she first came out and my youngest saw a picture of her. She said she couldn't believe that she forgot to brush her hair and put on nice clothes before she went on the TV. Those are the kind of comments you get when you brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. ;)

  6. I am STILL laughing. Ryan's logic cannot be disputed. And yes, anyone who attempts to spell her name with symbols is a moron of such magnitude not to be borne.

  7. Hahahahahaha I would have loved to see your expression as Natalie started her Rapping!! OMG!!!

  8. First, I happen to love that song. I know, you probably hate me know but this post is funny stuff.

    Kids... what are they going to say next?

  9. Yeah, but how were the FISH TACOS???

  10. LOL! Love Ryan's logic! Wyatt was signing some country song the other day, "You got your hands up, your rockin in my truck...." He got a lot of the words wrong, thank goodness, but then he says, "I know it doesn't say that but I know it is wrong so me and Gavin say another word for it." Dammit. I'm proud and scared all at the same time!

  11. I love this sentence - it's just how I feel: I err on the side of "don't let your children come to my house." Sometimes it gets on my girls' nerves because I have to remind them when certain kids come over to the house - now you know you have to stick with Disney channel or Nickelodeon while they're here. No Friends or How I Met Your Mother or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And you can't listen to any music that might not be appropriate. And you can't talk about the Hunger Games. We believe that as long as we're watching/listening to whatever with our kids to answer their questions, it's okay.

    Anyway, this was hilarious - though I have to admit I kind of like Tik Tok, even though I am fully aware that Ke$ha is gross and annoying. I can't help it.

  12. Awe$ome!!! Time to prepare your Mother of the Year acceptance speech. Hopefully your kids will sing at the ceremony!

    My son recently downloaded the EXPLICIT version of Payphone (Maroon 5). Explicit is an understatement. And I only noted this when I heard it one morning while running. He had it for a WEEK before I noticed. Needless to say I erased that version from his iPod and downloaded the clean version. And when he returned home I explained the meaning of the word "explicit." Nice.

  13. I'm always shocked at the kind of music I was listening to at that age--I don't think my parents really understood what we were listening to. Which is sad. But I think I turned out ok, right??? right?

  14. Ryan has the best logic I've heard in awhile.

  15. Hillarious! We had to take our 5 year old's boombox out of her room because she kept closing her bedroom door and tuning it to a rap station. It was not my proudest parenting moment when I walked in and discovered she was listening to Eminem. Her birthday is in 2 months and I'm looking into replacing her boombox with one that you can preset the stations on.