It's dinnertime at the Suitcase House. I was in the kitchen and the kids are sitting at the table eating a nutritious meal of spaghetti and no vegetables when I heard the following coming from my angelic 5-year-old daugter:
"Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy..."
I look up from whatever I was doing with an expression of utter horror on my face. WTF?Please Lord tell me I'm having an aneurysm.
"Got my glasses...out the door...hit this city."
This cannot be happening. Not in my house. We don't listen to that shit. It it possible that she's been brainwashed by some unruly little classmate who has replaced the "S" in her name with a dollar sign and whose mother has atrocious taste in music? I have a few ideas of which kid it could be. Holy crap.
"...brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..."
I couldn't take it any more. I had to jump in and put a stop to this madness. Before I go on, let me just say that I'm a huge slacker when it comes to policing what my children listen to (and even watch). I err on the side of "don't let your children come to my house."
We went a few weeks where our nightly ritual was YouTubing the I'm Sexy and I Know It video just to laugh hysterically and often at the undulating. Natalie's favorite video is Fun's We are Young which features a bar fight and a stuffed horse being ripped to pieces - if anyone can explain the symbolism with the horse, I'd love to hear your theory. WTF?
But listening to drivel like Ke$ha or as Principal Figgens calls her "K-E -dollar sign - ha" is where I draw the line. Simply because she's annoying and ridiculous. Her music sucks and her outfits are moronic. She's self-absorbed and talentless. And annoying. Yes, fully aware I said annoying twice.
Me: "Natalie. Don't sing that. You don't even know what it means."
Nat: "Yes I do."
Me: "Oh yeah? What's a 'bottle of Jack?'"
Nat: "It's not Jack. It's jacks. Like the game."
Ryan: "No it's not. You can't put jacks in a bottle and how would you even brush your teeth with them?"
Oh great. Now the kid who wasn't involved had to jump in to point out the unlikelihood of putting metal toys in a bottle. I knew I should have never sent him to school to learn stuff.
Me: "It's not jacks."
Ryan: "Then what IS a bottle of Jack?"
Me: "Never you mind."
Ryan: "It's alcohol isn't it?"
Now here's where I make the parenting decision of whether to just answer straight out (which wouldn't be so bad) or ignore it... Let's see how I handled this craptastic situation.
Me: "Why would you say that?"
And here's where my son uses logic to corner me into discussing something that I'd rather not. It's a classic.
Ryan: "Well...wine goes with cheese...wine is an alcohol... Monterrey JACK is a type of cheese...so I think a bottle of JACK is alcohol."
I was too confused to argue. I told him the truth: A bottle of Jack IS alcohol. And then much to my astonishment Natalie, who I thought had tuned out around the time she was "gonna hit this city" chimed in.
Nat: "Oh my GOSH! What is Kayla singing about? That's weird."
Precisely. I blame it on the fact that both Kayla and Ke$ha both start with a K and end in A. I think this is no coincidence.