The photo here was taken in my BFF Meredith's room just prior to Grad Nite at Disney. I know, you love my outfit...so did I. It was size 0. I bought it at a store called "Fancy Teen." This may come as a surprise, but I no longer wear a 0 and Fancy Teen went out of business.
I remember getting my photos back from Walgreens (when we used to actually PRINT them) and asking myself "What the hell are you doing? You look like a moron who has to poop."
But on to my point: 17-year-old Ali had dreams. Aspirations. Actually, she didn't, she just thought she was going to be rich and not have to work very hard for it. "Corporate Journalism" sounded like a prestigious major for one semester.
Soon Ali realized that she wasn't that smart after all (that 2.5 high school GPA wasn't doing her any favors and her 5 foot 4 stature eliminated the idea of being a super model) and that she was probably going to settle for being a normal person dammit.
Ali assumed she was going to have kids, but didn't know that kids are not simply cute little mini-me's, but in fact they are unsuspecting little germ magnets capable of eliciting fear from even the most collected woman on earth. Picky little chicken nugget eaters with super-human eyesight so they can tell you that you have hair growing on your face. Little late night room-dropper-inners who will wake you up at 3 a.m. because you "forgot to give him his lovin'." OK, that was actually quite adorable.
Yet if all else failed, 17-year-old Ali's life was at least going to be dignified. Dignified I say!!!
HA! Today's Flabby Ali is here to testify that when you have kids and a family, dignity goes out the window.
I am a shell of my former self. The Voldemort of motherhood if you will. A baby took all my power and it's been a real pain in the ever-expanding rump to regain it.
Here are just a few things that Flabby Voldemort Ali has uttered in the last week that would have completely appalled 17-year-old Ali :
- "Who tied up the toilet paper?"
- "Stop singing into the shop vac, it's filthy."
- "You know you just wiped your face with the sponge your dad just cleaned the sink with?"
- "Sorry about the ground beef."
- "Get Mike Wazowski out of your mouth."
- "Well you gotta chop it off. The bus is gonna be here." - yes, bathroom talk.
- "Ahhh! Don't poke me with that pickle!" - No, this wasn't my husband, this was Justin and it was in fact a real pickle. Get your mind out of the gutter.
- "No, I'm the mother of a kid with a smelly poop hand."
- "Why are the girls from Good Luck Charlie on Shake It Up?"
- "I'll give you a piece of paper when you tell me why you're not wearing underwear."
I haven't gotten through to the last Harry Potter book yet, another ugly side effect of having kids. But I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen to Voldemort. And yeah, most days I feel like that's the direction I'm headed too.