Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Loss of My Size 0 Butt...And My Dignity. Thanks Kids!

Ah, 17-year-old Ali. You sweet naive idiot.

The photo here was taken in my BFF Meredith's room just prior to Grad Nite at Disney. I know, you love my outfit...so did I. It was size 0. I bought it at a store called "Fancy Teen." This may come as a surprise, but I no longer wear a 0 and Fancy Teen went out of business. 

I remember getting my photos back from Walgreens (when we used to actually PRINT them) and asking myself "What the hell are you doing? You look like a moron who has to poop."

But on to my point: 17-year-old Ali had dreams. Aspirations. Actually, she didn't, she just thought she was going to be rich and not have to work very hard for it. "Corporate Journalism" sounded like a prestigious major for one semester.

Soon Ali realized that she wasn't that smart after all (that 2.5 high school GPA wasn't doing her any favors and her 5 foot 4 stature eliminated the idea of being a super model) and that she was probably going to settle for being a normal person dammit.

Ali assumed she was going to have kids, but didn't know that kids are not simply cute little mini-me's, but in fact they are unsuspecting little germ magnets capable of eliciting fear from even the most collected woman on earth. Picky little chicken nugget eaters with super-human eyesight so they can tell you that you have hair growing on your face. Little late night room-dropper-inners who will wake you up at 3 a.m. because you "forgot to give him his lovin'." OK, that was actually quite adorable. 

Yet if all else failed, 17-year-old Ali's life was at least going to be dignified. Dignified I say!!!

HA! Today's Flabby Ali is here to testify that when you have kids and a family, dignity goes out the window.

I am a shell of my former self. The Voldemort of motherhood if you will. A baby took all my power and it's been a real pain in the ever-expanding rump to regain it.

Here are just a few things that Flabby Voldemort Ali has uttered in the last week that would have completely appalled  17-year-old Ali :

  • "Who tied up the toilet paper?"
  • "Stop singing into the shop vac, it's filthy."
  • "You know you just wiped your face with the sponge your dad just cleaned the sink with?"  
  • "Sorry about the ground beef."
  • "Get Mike Wazowski out of your mouth."
  • "Well you gotta chop it off. The bus is gonna be here." - yes, bathroom talk. 
  • "Ahhh! Don't poke me with that pickle!" - No, this wasn't my husband, this was Justin and it was in fact a real pickle. Get your mind out of the gutter. 
  • "No, I'm the mother of a kid with a smelly poop hand."
  • "Why are the girls from Good Luck Charlie on Shake It Up?"
  • "I'll give you a piece of paper when you tell me why you're not wearing underwear."
I haven't gotten through to the last Harry Potter book yet, another ugly side effect of having kids. But I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen to Voldemort. And yeah, most days I feel like that's the direction I'm headed too. 

35 comments:

  1. You're adorable. And I am fairly positive you still have a nose, so you have that on Voldemort! Yay! Send me a link to this post in about 4 years when I decide to have children, okay? Also, I was signed into my old gmail account, left a super long comment on a wedding post of yours, and then of course realized that you won't know who it's from, even though it says Kate and there is an old picture of me. So yeah. Enjoy the ramble.

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  2. There's a lot of potty talk in your house. And I don't mean obscenity.

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  3. I don't even know what to write. I am just laughing at this whole post...starting with the caption from Aly now coming out of the 17 year old Ali's mouth.
    I do have to say that when I got to pickle, I was sure it was something that had to do with Kristin's (What She Said) book. Funny that I went straight to the gutter and not the fridge.

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  4. You are a comic genius, Ali and that is the TRUTH!

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  5. I absolutely refuse to look at pictures of myself from high school. Honestly, who let me wear the things I put on my body?!

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  6. I don't like looking at high school pictures of myself but probably for the opposite reason. Even after three kids I way less than I did then. Things like these are uttered under this roof as well. Who can help it with three kids? And thanks for the laugh!

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  7. Seriously?! A size zero.

    We can't be friends any more.


    Kidding, totally kidding. I will just feed you cookies.

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  8. Why is it that children and poop talk go hand in hand?

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  9. you look exactly the same.
    Shut your face.

    Also?
    "Well you gotta chop it off. The bus is gonna be here."
    Is my favourite.
    GAWD I lurve you

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes you just have to be succinct and get the point across.

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  10. Hahahahahahahaha! Love it. My dignity is vacationing somewhere tropical with your dignity.

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  11. I'm jealous! I have never been a size zero.

    I lost my dignity in the labor and delivery room and still haven't found it. (Although my husband would argue that my dignity has been missing since that one party in college...)

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  12. thank you... i just laughed out loud..and my 10 year old screams out from the closed bathroom what what whats so funny (as if i never laugh)..thank you!

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  13. While 17-year-old Ali was definitely hawt, I dunno... I have to say, I'm kind of digging Flabby Voldemort Ali. She's funny. :)

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  14. You are cutie with sass! The clothes we wore back then...

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  15. It's insane the things I talk about. It's also insane that I still find bathroom humor just as funny as I did when I was 17.

    P.S. You haven't changed at all. I'm serious.

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  16. I can attest to the fact she is no more than a size 2.
    No matter what she claims here!

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  17. Well, I'm just happy to know that I'm not the only one who sings into my Shop-Vac or dances with my Swiffer. OK. You didn't mention a Swiffer, but I'll just assume it was implied...

    Here from Finding the Funny. I dig it ;)

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  18. Here from Finding the Funny. I laughed out loud at the Good Luck Charlie reference. I thought the exact same thing. Thanks! Erin

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  19. Uh-oh...looks like I've got a lot to look 'forward' to with my kids. The poop hand and the pickle were hilarious, but i think my favorite was "Get Mike Wazowski out of your mouth." LOL!

    I never had a size zero figure (cause I'm a dude) but the barren wasteland that was once my hair makes me want to cry a river and drown in it. Your figure is probably in better shape than my hairline I bet!

    And I miss going to the pharmacy to get pictures developed. Hell, I miss pictures. We have a digital camera but no laser color photo printing doodad. And my mother in law is a picture glutton--if we even try to take one she just butts in and takes four more of the exact same thing/person/pose. Sigh. I wanna be 17 again!

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  20. I think you're certainly not flabby Ali now. Kids do ruin lots of things though, don't they? I, too, find myself saying some of the most ridiculous things. I think I'm getting meaner as my oldest is gearing up for puberty. I certainly yelled at her this morning that she just needs to get over the fact that she has a big zit right in the center of her nose for the first time, stop picking at it, and move on.

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  21. I lost my dignity once and for all when my oldest was a toddler; he was sitting in the grocery cart and announced loudly, "MOMMY, YOU'RE ALL SWEATY AND OUT OF BREATH, ARE YOU WORKIN' OUT? YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF," at which point he grabbed my shirt and introduced my fellow shoppers to The Twins. Ah, good times. My dignity must've already been pretty much gone by then, because I don't remember being all that embarassed...

    Love your blog - soooo funny! I found you on Finding the Funny and I'm glad I did! Following you now so I don't miss anything :)

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  22. "Sorry about the ground beef." That's my favorite! And he poop hand one. My oh my, the exciting lives we lead.

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    1. Yes, the things we never EVER thought would come out of our mouths, right?

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  23. Seventeen kind of sucked. Now nineteen. . . Those were the days!

    Dignity while raising children never even occurred to me as an option--I had already seen what my brothers had done to my mother. My only goal was for them to sleep through the night and in their own beds.

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  24. I hate to look at pictures of me prior to kids... it's sad. Depressing. All of that. The teen & early 20 years were really freakin' good to me... I was pretty awesome (or so I thought). Funny how our lives change so quickly...
    And what happened to the ground beef?

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    1. I could tell you what happened to the ground beef but then I'd have to kill you.

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  25. You crack me up! Love the part about the shop vac. I wish I was still in a size 0. Actually, I wish there was ever a time I wore a size 0.

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  26. Thanks for the laugh!
    Potty jokes and references are the norm in our house. I forgot it still can shock people without kids, but was recently reminded by the look on an older (no kids) aunt's face.

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  27. I can SO relate! :) You were one of the most clicked links at last week's party - we're featuring you tomorrow!

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  28. A mouth is not such a bad place for Mike Wazowski when you consider the alternatives.

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  29. You made me smile and like insomniac#4 I have never been a size zero as a man. fortunate not to be going grey but on the flipside that's cos its waving goodbye. Can still fit in the tie I wore on my wedding day though!!

    RJRdaydreamer

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  30. THat picture is so awesome because you must have been 17 in the early 90s to be caught posing in something like that. I remember some outfits like that. I never owned them thought. And now I thank GOD. I do not remember Fancy Teen, but I live in the boonies. I do remember 5-7-9 which was a stupid name for a store because I did not wear any of those sizes and never knew if they had anything above or below. I also remember Deb. That was about as fashion worthy as the Fashion Bug. Ah yes, good times.

    Love your things you can't believe you say. Sooooo funny.

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