Monday, February 13, 2012

What Happens In Vegas Ends Up On My Blog

I spent last week in Vegas for work. I'm still exhausted. So rather than writing a proper blog post, I'm gonna give you this lovely Instagram photo - yes, that's me in a feather showgirl headdress and super-cool company meeting lanyard - and tell you what happened. 

  • After a very long plane flight on which I cultivated my worst headache in recent history, I spent all of the 8-minute bus ride from the airport to the hotel praying to God that I didn't throw up in front of the 59 other company employees on board. Dear Lord, please. If you keep me from hurling all over the floor I swear I'll never ask for anything again for as long as I live. Amen. The only moment of diversion was when I looked up and saw the billboard for The Thunder From Down Under. The eight half-naked guys gave me a little pick-me-up. And then I started praying again. 
  • I popped two Aleve and spent the first two hours of the meeting in my room curled up on my bed in the fetal position. 
  • Natalie, my painfully shy daughter, was the Pickle Party's candidate in her Pre-K class elections. So since I was gone, JakeRyan (who never ran for office unlike me, a loser) had to make a poster, handouts and stickers. He forgot to help her prepare a speech so she got up in front of her class and cried. Thus a defeat. This week's lesson: How to BS like your mother.
  • I double-fisted coffee into my morning sessions. I wasn't risking it. 
  • My cohort Beth and I went to see KA, the Cirque du Soliel show in our hotel. It was magnificent, but I kept worrying that someone was going to fall and hurt their balls. Yes, this is how my brain works. 
  • Another co-worker told me, after my second helping of lunch, that I ate like a 300-pound Italian man. I took it as a compliment. 
  • I made the mistake of mentioning in front of people who don't know me that I often tell my 8-year-old that he's acting like an "asshole." Evidently my theory of how a well-timed curse word works wonders was lost on them. And the "you have to KNOW Ryan" explanation didn't help. 
  • I won $20 in poker chips for being a good participant in my sessions and promptly lost $13.50 in a slot machine in 90 seconds. I cashed out the rest and called it a day. 
  • Finally, I came home to this: 

I know what you're thinking: Yes, I do wear glasses. 


  1. I'm not thinking of the glasses at all, your ears are FUCKED UP!

    The cirque shows are totally entertaining to me, but I truly look at them like "how the HELL did that just happen?"

    1. I can't decide which is funnier...the post or this comment....I'm laughing so stinking hard tears are dripping down my face, my stomach hurts & I think I just snorted!!!!!

  2. Well, if your Welcome Home banner is any indication of what your daughter's campaign poster looked like...she shouldn't have needed a speech and the kids that didn't vote for her...they are the losers!

  3. Is that a scar on your face?

    In all seriousness, you're hot as a Vegas showgirl.

  4. Strangers don't find our basement dungeon amusing at all, either.

  5. Oh that poster is so sweet. And those buffets in Vegas are insane, aren't they?!

  6. I think this should be your new profile picture.

  7. As usual, IN stitches! :) You really should be getting paid to write this crap! :)

  8. I agree with Mommakiss - my fist thought was the messed up ears too! And if I recall correctly, the last time you almost htrew up on a bus full of co-workers during a sales meeting you were preggers!! Anything to tell us Ali??

  9. Such a funny post! THis is random, and maybe you've heard this before but, has anyone told you that you look like Pippa Middleton?

  10. That headdress? You totally should have solen it and brought it home to wear wen you're feeling fierce. Because that? Is fierce!

  11. This should be your new profile picture.

    Also? You gamble like I do!

  12. Love the new picture! Priceless. That's quite the banner you came home to.

  13. What a sweet welcome home from the fam. Nothing like mommy being away for a couple of days to make them appreciate you more. :)

  14. Love the welcome home banner! Poor little Natalie, that makes me sad for her, although I'd never guess that she was shy.

    So was the headdress part of your "work" attire?

  15. That is the sweetest thing EVER!
    If I come home from a trip and my family hasn't made a sign for me Imma cut a bitch