I spent last week in Vegas for work. I'm still exhausted. So rather than writing a proper blog post, I'm gonna give you this lovely Instagram photo - yes, that's me in a feather showgirl headdress and super-cool company meeting lanyard - and tell you what happened.
- After a very long plane flight on which I cultivated my worst headache in recent history, I spent all of the 8-minute bus ride from the airport to the hotel praying to God that I didn't throw up in front of the 59 other company employees on board. Dear Lord, please. If you keep me from hurling all over the floor I swear I'll never ask for anything again for as long as I live. Amen. The only moment of diversion was when I looked up and saw the billboard for The Thunder From Down Under. The eight half-naked guys gave me a little pick-me-up. And then I started praying again.
- I popped two Aleve and spent the first two hours of the meeting in my room curled up on my bed in the fetal position.
- Natalie, my painfully shy daughter, was the Pickle Party's candidate in her Pre-K class elections. So since I was gone, JakeRyan (who never ran for office unlike me, a loser) had to make a poster, handouts and stickers. He forgot to help her prepare a speech so she got up in front of her class and cried. Thus a defeat. This week's lesson: How to BS like your mother.
- I double-fisted coffee into my morning sessions. I wasn't risking it.
- My cohort Beth and I went to see KA, the Cirque du Soliel show in our hotel. It was magnificent, but I kept worrying that someone was going to fall and hurt their balls. Yes, this is how my brain works.
- Another co-worker told me, after my second helping of lunch, that I ate like a 300-pound Italian man. I took it as a compliment.
- I made the mistake of mentioning in front of people who don't know me that I often tell my 8-year-old that he's acting like an "asshole." Evidently my theory of how a well-timed curse word works wonders was lost on them. And the "you have to KNOW Ryan" explanation didn't help.
- I won $20 in poker chips for being a good participant in my sessions and promptly lost $13.50 in a slot machine in 90 seconds. I cashed out the rest and called it a day.
- Finally, I came home to this:
I know what you're thinking: Yes, I do wear glasses.