Thursday, December 29, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "Hula Hoop Incident of 2011" Edition

It's WTF Wednesday...but my grandmother is hanging out at our house today so I won't have time for a proper WTF post.

Here's a little My Suitcase Full of Tricks math problem for you:

New camera + French toast for breakfast + freak hula hoop accident = THIS

So yes, thanks to my new fancy camera (which I'm still trying to learn) you'll be seeing pictures of my boogered kids with chewed food hanging out of their mouths and hula hoop wounds on their heads for the next few weeks. He looks like the Cro-magnon Man.

By the way, teach your kids never to walk next to another kid when they are hula-hooping. Some day I'll learn how to be a good mother.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sucking It Up for Santa

Last Saturday in a moment of holly jolly frenzied insanity we took kids to see Santa. Not all the kids, just the ones with penises because the girl was at a sleepover.

Santalapsitting isn't exactly my bag. And very importantly: Nobody has ever ASKED to go see Santa.

Natalie has never wanted to even go within 10 feet of the guy (she shudders at the sight of anything in a costume), Ryan is just as happy writing a letter and plopping his butt on the couch and poor Justin has no idea that there is even the meet-and-greet option. He's quite a deprived child. Miraculously, presents just show up on Christmas and we move on.

Anyhoo. Sometimes you gotta suck it up and be a mom. Since Nat was out for a girls' night woohoo girls' night! we decided to trek down to Bass Pro Shops - Shut up! Yes, I went into Bass Pro Shops, get over it - for some testosterone-filled Yule Tide action.

And at the risk of this sounding like a sponsored post (which it is NOT) I will only ever go to this place for Santa pictures for the rest of my parenting career. Why, you might ask?  Because you got an actual appointment to see Santa. Yep. Like a fast pass at Disney. Come back in the 30-minute window. Shop and spend money in our store. Fine by me. 

So instead of listening to them complain about waiting in a 2-hour mall Santa line, they got to do all kinds of rugged boy stuff while I got to be in an air-conditioned building. Win/win.

And if all of that along with the free kids' meals weren't worth the 45 minute drive, these two shots definitely were worth having to walk down rows and rows of camouflage clothing.

Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Cheap Crap and A Cheap Compliment

Today I went to volunteer at the PTA Holiday Shop fundraiser at Ryan's school.

You know, the thing where they sell Dollar Store crap for $5.00? Where parents send their kid with $2.75 and tell them to bring home three presents (true story).

I chose today because it was the day his class was shopping. The kids had to sit in the chairs and go in shifts. Always one to make an example of the good kids, I noticed that Robbie was the only one sitting there quietly with his hand up - the quiet sign, like in summer camp.

"Robbie, you're first!" Robbie jumped up and started shopping. As soon as the other kids caught on, 15 more hands shot up in the air.

Crap, how am I going to choose? Can't pick Ryan because I don't want them to think I'm favoring him. 

I stood there clueless as to how I was going to amicably choose the next shopper when Angelina T. (yes there are two Angelinas in his class) tipped the scales in her favor.

Angelina looked me right in the face, flashed a toothy grin and as sweetly as possible said "You're prettttttyyyyy." 

"OK, Angelina! You're next!"

Yep, I'm that cheap and can be bought. Always wanting to make an example of the smart kids too. Gotta give credit to a 2nd grader who can think on her feet and get herself noticed.  Heck, none of those other little booger-pickers had a plan. 

Merry Christmas to YOU Angelina T.! May your days be merry and bright and may you have much butt-kissing success in the New Year!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "#Antler Up, Be Careful What You Wish For" Edition

Anybody recall saying they wanted to see me sing?

OK, crazy Antler Lady (KLZ of Taming Insanity) is having a baby any day now. Twitter folks are taking odds on it. For the Holidays she's having a contest called #AntlerUp. Just have to post a photo of yourself in antlers. Never to be an underachiever, I'm offering this. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

"Eat Me" Is A Sweet Sentiment

I found this little ditty on the floor of the playroom.

Well, isn't that just delightful!

EAT ME with some weirdo little picture under it. What the heck is that? It looks like an embryo. 

My immediate thoughts:

  • I'm sure he learned this from a kid on the school bus. Some jackball 5th grader no doubt.
  • Didn't they say that in Grease? Has he been watching Grease?
  • Pretty certain I didn't say that...did his father JakeRyan say that behind my back TO ME? I'm gonna kick his butt into next week!
  • Why is he drawing an embryo? 

With that, I grabbed the paper off the floor, marched up the stairs and stomped right into Ryan's room all badass like. 

And in my best "I'm not gonna stand for this foul-mouthed crap" tone I asked him: "Um, Ryan? Would you like to explaaaaain to me why you wrote EAT ME on a piece of paper????"

Let's see how quickly this little punk thinks on his feet to get his butt out of this one. He is SOOOO busted.  

Ryan: "I wrote 'eat me' on a sign to put next to Santa's cookies on Christmas Eve. I wanted him to know that they were for him, but then I messed up..."

Wait. What? Uggg. I'm a horrible mother. 

Me: "Oh...OK...sorry." 

I'm sure he did something else bad. I just need to catch him. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Third Annual Christmas Non-Card

I stopped doing Christmas cards the year Justin was born.

First off, with a full-time job and three kids I didn't have time to collect updated addresses let alone design and send cards. Second, that was pretty much our worst year financially EVER. Cards and postage get pretty expensive. Third, no cards to go in a landfil.

So I came up with the Christmas Non-Card, posted it to Facebook and sent it to my email distribution list and there you have it - a tradition was born.

This year I started a blog and made lots of new virtual friends. So here it is for all to see...and if you make it to the end you'll see JakeRyan's real name.

Happy Holidays from all of us! 


Saturday, December 3, 2011

A Monster of a Thanksgiving Guest

I haven't done a blog post in like 10 days. Or more.

So who wants to hear about Thanksgiving? Shut up, yes you do.

But just so this isn't another boring mom blogger regurgitating what happened, Pilgrim Mike Wazowski will be my lovely assistant. He was good at it last time.

Here's my favorite one-eyed Pixar character Happy Meal toy Mike Wazowski on my dining room table hours before the guests arrived. 

I may or may not have specially made a tiny little pilgrim hat for him out of foam core from Ryan's Halloween costume... "Nice Pinterest-inspired bean and corn centerpieces Ali!," says Mike. "And might those be the pine cones you foraged for and had to soak in bleach because bugs were crawling all over your counter?" Why yes, they are Mike. Yes they ARE! 

"Mmmm. I love eating food that is the same color as me," says Mike. "Anything I can do to help?" Nope. Thanks anyway Mike. Unless you'd like to go break up the fight in the family room over whether we're going to watch the Macy's Parade or an episode of Wizards of Waverly Place for the 7,000th time. Yeah, get on that.

Awww Mike. Don't cry. "I'm not crying you nitwit, the onions are making my eye water." Doesn't he look like he's going to give that onion a badass Chuck Norris karate chop? You go Mike! You show that onion who's boss! Hi-YA!

Here's Mike digging in to the uncooked baked clams and stuffed mushrooms. Oh Mike, that's gross. They must do things way differently in Monstopolis.

"Go Cowboys!" says Mike Wazowski. "That's one big-ass TV you got there, but it doesn't make watching the Cowboys any less excruciating and I only have to see one eye's worth." 

Oh for the love of all that's holy Mike! Please don't get schnockered at my house on Thanksgiving! That's my husband JakeRyan's job. I will say that I'm very impressed with how you were able to balance on this wine glass with your teeth! You so cray-zeee.

"Yum, I don't care how dry it is. I want to eat this up anyway," says a very hungry Mike Wazowski. Poor Mike. Everyone on twitter told me that the turkey roasting bag was the way to go and the damn turkey fell apart. Lesson learned Mike...lesson learned. 

Mike, what are you DOING? You said you were helping Katie do the dishes, but you really look like you're about to dive bomb into the dishwasher.

Let's see if you can find Mike in this picture. He suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from whatever it was that happened in Natalie's room. One minute we're sitting at the table bullshitting about all the stuff we're thankful for and then WHAMO - this. You shouldn't have to endure this Mike Wazowski. What happens in Natalie's room stays in Natalie's room. 

All that turkey made Mike a sleepy monster so we let him take a little nappy-poo on the couch. I covered him all snuggly with a napkin. 

And what were we doing while Mike was resting his eye? My sister and I were in the playroom making a little movie of us singing our favorite song...Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas (Feed the World). I wrote a little post about it. And if I get a sufficient amount of comments below I will post it. I'll be the judge. But it has to be a HUGE number of comments. 

SO, all you people who know us in real life who just read this blog and never comment - now's the time. 

What? You say you love posts with Mike Wazowski? Try this one.