Wednesday, November 9, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "If You Look Up Gullible in the Dictionary" Edition

Note: Before you read this post, if you are new here and don't know my sense of humor or are easily offended, stop reading. I don't need any hate mail. If you do read...go to the end. 

All of these facts are related:
  1. I work full-time from home. A 40-hour job for a real big company. 
  2. My daughter has a cough. 
  3. There is a small blue kids' chair in my family room. 
  4. I used duct tape to fix something.
  5. My husband is clueless. 
  6. I am a smartass. 
I kept Natalie home sick last Thursday, she was coughing really badly the night before. Of course she was perfectly fine the second I decided to keep her home. 

So I went about my business in my home office doing the work I'd be doing anyway knowing fully that she wasn't going to interrupt me since I threatened her life if she knocked on my door. She's 5 after all and can understand that I need her to be good. I checked on her several dozen times. 

She didn't even come in once. She pulled a little blue chair from the playroom out to the family room and watched TV all day, colored a bit, played with matches and sharp knives...the usual. We don't need to talk about how she went into my bathroom and relocated all of my makeup to the Barbie vanity in her room, painted her own nails and spayed so much cheap perfume that my upstairs smelled like a Texas whorehouse.

At one point in the same day, I used some duct tape from the garage to cover a piece of metal jutting out from the side of my desk. It's an accident waiting to happen. I've tried to fix it with masking tape, but Justin keeps ripping it off, so I pulled out the big guns. My husband is aware of this issue. We've talked more than once about the masking tape. He might not have listened very well. Yes that is important to the story. 

When JakeRyan came home from work he saw the roll of duct tape on the counter and asked what it was for. Common sense would tell him that it was to fix the metal on the desk. Let's just say where he lacks in logic, he makes up for it in boyish good looks.

Here's how this fine dialogue went: 

JakeRyan: "Ali, why is the duct tape out?" Well if you ask a stupid question...you're going to get a bizarre made-up story to help you realize that you should already know the answer. 

Me (with a completely straight face): "I was making customer calls and Natalie wouldn't stop bothering me."  

And here's where I paused for him to laugh at my quick witted joke.

JakeRyan: "WHAT???"  

Oh my gosh, he totally believes I used the duct tape on Natalie. I'm going with this. 

Me: "And I told her like 100 times that I needed her to be quiet. She kept coming in my office, so I duct taped her to the chair."

JakeRyan (with a look of astonishment and a very serious tone): "Ali...you know you can't DO that."

Me: "What's wrong with that? Look at her! She's fine. I just taped her to the chair so she wouldn't come in while I was on the phone."

JakeRyan (very knowingly): "You can't just duct tape your kid to a chair Ali. You can't DO THAT! You're way too hard on her."

Wait. Way too hard on her? I think that's a little bit of an understatement if I'd really bound her to a piece of plastic furniture...

Me: "Do you seriously think I'd tape her to a chair?"

JakeRyan: "Well I don't know. You have been really hard on her lately."

WTF?!?! My husband thinks I'm capable of something this horrible. I'm very serious about my job and I like to "invent" ways to do things better, but a duct tape child restrainer isn't quite the kind of ingenious creation I want to be remembered for.

OK, yes I am harder on her than the boys. WHY? Because she gives me more crap than they do. Do I let her scream her head off when she's having a tantrum? Yes. Do I let her walk out the door without eating breakfast because I'm too tired to fight anymore? Yes.

But I'd never, EVER duct tape her to a chair. I'd use the masking tape and make sure Justin doesn't pull it off this time.

And before you leave me hate mail: I'M JUST KIDDING.

30 comments:

  1. Too funny! I wonder how long you could have kept it going with your husband thinking your duct taped your child to a chair!

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  2. HIlarious, I can't believe he actually thought you were serious for a few minutes. And totally agree with you... my girls can push my buttons like my boys never can.

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  3. Yeah, I can't believe JakeRyan thought you were serious!

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  5. sorry - typo:

    Oh my God that is a riot! What is with these husbands? I surprised mine at the park once during his volleyball game when it was 90 degrees outside. Ater 3 long matches, he asked where the kids were. I told him I'd left them in the car. He went nuts. Sheesh. Ever hear of a babysitter, honey?

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  6. Ok so duct tape is wrong then? Uh oh...

    :) Ha! I have used it though. Not to attach them to the chair, but I got really sick of Coop pulling off his diaper so I threatened him with the duct tape. I had to follow through right? Should have taken a picture, damn it...

    Lots of yummy love,
    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
    www.mawhats4dinner.com

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  7. Gawd you are my soul mate.
    Brian would have believed me if I said this too.
    He always says my sarcasm is too hard to read.
    Annoying.

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  8. Does anyone else wonder why she knows what a Texas whore house smells like

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  9. My sister taped my hands & feet together & then taped me to a wall. Then? She locked me in the playroom until mom got home.

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  10. Too funny! I have a 5 year old daughter that I would like to use duct tape on sometimes, but I never would either. Wish I could tell my husband something like that with a straight face but I am a terrible liar. My face would either turn bright red or I would start cracking up as I was telling him, which is always a dead giveaway.

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  11. Wow. I think my feelings would be a little hurt if I were you.

    But, it IS a great story. Cracked me up. :)

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  12. Ha - my husband would probably believe me. He thinks I'm way too serious about getting work done sometimes. And I fight with my oldest daughter so much that duct tape sounds good :) (And I'm just kidding - I'd never do that either.) I'm hoping my baby boy will love me the most and never fight with me.

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  13. FYI, you know, just in case: Masking tape WILL work almost as well as duct tape, but you have to use a lot more of it or the kid will just break right free of it. Don't ask me how I know.

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  14. Bwaahaahaa!! I love your sense of humor. Can't believe your husband fell for that. And my girls are the same way. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I'm so hard on (my oldest) daughter.

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  15. Girl, no hate mail coming your way. Haven't we ALL been tempted to duct tape our little ones to something? But let's be honest, we're afraid pictures will end up on facebook or on Dr. Phil or something.

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  16. Omg husbands are so clueless....funny post!

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  17. I left you an award on my blog!

    Stacy @
    http://cardigansandcrayons.blogspot.com/

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  18. This is hilarious. I love that you went with the duct tape story to JakeRyan. I had no idea you did (& how!) you work from home. Seriously, I think that would call for some kid duct tape!

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  19. Ha ha you are hilarious! Maybe duct tape is a good idea... :)

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  20. I've threatened more times that I can remember to use duct tape on my kids. I thought that it was perfectly acceptable.

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  21. My husband would have believed me if I said this too. He doesn't always see my sarcasm and truthfully, it gets annoying!

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  22. Messing with the hubby is the best use of duct tape ever! Awesome!

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  23. Hahaha! LOL! But seriously, I hate when my husband isn't getting my sense of humor!

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  24. Well, duh.

    Duct tape would leave a mark.

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  25. I think I love you. We so have the same sense of humor!

    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  26. hahaha, totally can relate to your sense of humor!

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  27. I would have been so mad at my husband if he actually thought I would do that.

    Although sometimes it's tempting, ain't it?

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  28. Wait. So just to be clear, I'm NOT supposed to duct tape my kids to chairs? Frick, I've been going about this parenting thing all wrong... please ask your husband how he feels about rubber cement.

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