Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm Not Classy OR a Urologist

Warning!

Please do not read this post if you think I could possibly be any of the following:
A) ladylike
B) classy
C) a good mother
D) a doting wife
E) a delicate little flower

Last night, my husband JakeRyan was acting like a complete ass-hat. The details of the douchebaggery are not essential to the story. And I will go on record as saying, he's typically not a jackball. I love him.

As usual, he slept on the couch. Nothing to do with his buttholedness, but he watches TV way later than I do and he snores. Therefore, the couch.

This morning, Ryan was eating his Cheerios at the table and my husband was still asleep. After several attempts, I had yet to be successful in getting him to move his lazy tuccus off the couch and help me get these three kids out the door.

So in a moment of absolutely articulate style and grace I declared: "I want to rip your balls off on so many levels."

I don't know. That brilliance just came to me. It's a gift and I really did want to rip his balls off.

And there was my sweet little child, sitting there getting his whole grains and calcium while his mom threatens his father's manhood.

So to acknowledge his presence I asked: "Did ya hear that Ryan? I'm gonna rip your dad's balls off."

Ryan kept his eyes on this cereal and mumbled something under his breath. Oh no, have I scarred him for life? Does he think I'm a terrible monster? Is he worried for his OWN testicular well-being? What did he say?

"WHAT DID YOU SAY RYAN?"

To which my child looks up and replies: "I SAAAIIIDDD, YOU'RE GONNA NEED HAND SANITIZER AFTER THAT!"

And this is why Ryan is my favorite kid.

32 comments:

  1. Your child is clearly a genius!

    Also we couldn't be friends if you were classy, ladylike or a doting wife.

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  2. Hand sanitizer, my favorite kid. About the sack, maybe we should have a talk with him.

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  3. I'm laughing out loud over here! Too funny :)

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  4. Oh my gosh...thank you for the great laugh! I needed that! He would be my favorite kid too!

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  5. Huh. Wonder where he gets his sass from? ;)

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  6. I have tears from laughing so hard!

    (T has that same Superman shirt, FYI.)

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  7. This is PERFECTION!! Love it!! Hand sanitizer is a must for any kind of ball ripping! It's just the rules!

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  8. You're killing me. No seriously, killing me. And you've passed on your gift of humor to your firstborn. Be proud.

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  9. Oh that's too much. Not only loved his response, but the fact that you repeated it to your son is classic. You are my new hero.

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  10. Well played, Ryan, well played. You clearly take after your Mom.

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  11. That is the best response EVER!

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  12. Well played, kid. Well played. I wonder where he gets the sass from??

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  13. that is too stinken funny, too stinken funny

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  14. So reminds me of the time Claire, at age 4, gave our female boxer a rectal exam because she was "checking for puppies" after watching one too many vet shows. As Al walked her to the bathroom holding her wrist she said, "I shoulda wore a glove!"

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  15. this is a story i will share with soooo many people.

    i love a kids perspective.

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  16. I need you to know that I love you.
    today I told my hubs, Brian, that I was going to stab him in the face with the butter knife.
    My parents were visiting and they got all bothered by this statement.
    It's blogs like yours that keep me strong.
    xoxoxo

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  17. LOL OMG LOL!

    Had it to read it to my husband too who said, well, he's right.

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  18. Thanks a lot. My laughter just woke my husband up! He is waking up to work in a couple of hours. But seriously, that was freaking gold! LOVE!

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  19. This is so incredibly hilarious. I sometimes wonder if/when I'm going to have stop making bets with Chris where, if he loses, I get to punch him in the face.

    (this comment goes well with my bloody tissue, doesn't it?)

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  20. I died reading this. I know I tweeted you earlier in the week about it, but I had to read it again and show it several other people who have the same kind of humor. I would be so proud of my kid! Also, I added you to my sidebar of extra-special blogs I read. I hope to be as classy and awesome a mom as you are someday, and I am not being sarcastic.

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  21. Ryan just officially became my hero.

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  22. I have so missed your blog while I was gone!!! I laughed so hard at this my son asked if I was ok!!!

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  23. Thank you! For making me laugh. And for making me not feel nuts (no pun intended). Just found your blog and this my favorite so far. Can't wait to share this with my husband, a well as Leighanns response about the butter knife. He thinks I am extreme at times ;)

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  24. Does your kid do stand-up? I'd totally pay to see that.
    Came from FTF.

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  25. Oh Em GEE!! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Loved it!

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  26. I'm laughing out loud. Love it!!! Thanks for linking up to finding the funny. I'm pinning this to our Finding the Funny Pinterest board!

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