Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Totally Hear What You're Saying...No I Don't

In general, I have a rule against shoving something in my ear and lighting it on fire.

I just want you to know that fact before you read on. Let me paint the picture...

Two Fridays ago I was in the pool with the kids after dinner when one of them  (the one I don't like anymore) innocently VIOLENTLY splashed some water in my ear.

This was no ordinary splash of water. I said to my husband JakeRyan, "There is water in my ear, it's not coming out. I have to go in the house right this second." I jumped out of the pool. I sprinted in and got some of those swimmers-ear drops and plopped a few in. Nothing.

Rubbing alcohol. Didn't work. Ugggg. White vinegar. Another fail. Peroxide. I was completely freaking out. Everything I tried made it worse. Hairdryer and 39 different Q-tips. For heaven sake I tried earwax softening drops. This was an all new low for me. Admitting I was human and all.

By now I was in pain and although it SOUNDS humorous, I was freaking out because it was annoying the Begeezus out of me. I couldn't take it!!! My right ear was completely clogged.

I had visions of myself in sign language class. I was practically running around the house flailing my arms like the kid in Home Alone. Ahhhhh!

I toughed it out through a family function on Saturday and by 9:00 a.m. Sunday morning I was sitting in the waiting room of the walk in clinic listening to an old man sing Neil Diamond songs out loud. Which only half-matters because I could only half-hear him. It was "Love on the Rocks."

So the doctor walks in, takes a 5-second look into my ear and declares, "You have an ear infection."

***sigh*** Really Doc? Ya don't think that possibly my ear is all red and inflamed because I've been sticking irritants in it for 36 hours and jabbing it with Q-tips every hour on the hour. An ear infection? Not the alcohol and the jabbing? Really? 

So I left with a prescription for drops and instructions not to stick anything in it for 7 days. Screw you.

I resorted to tweeting about it. You know, because when the doctor fails you need to ask your twitter friends. Right Ladies?

And here's where it gets good. Monday I was griping so much at the office that someone suggested an ear candle. For those of you unfamiliar, an ear candle is a paraffin covered tube-shaped thing that you literally stick in your ear, light the top on fire and hope that it pulls ear wax and other junk out of your ear before you envelop your entire head into a burning inferno. Yes, very glamorous.

Now as completely ridiculous as this sounds, I was willing to try anything at this point. I watched several hilarious YouTube videos, one of which actually caused me to scream. I went to the Vitamin Shoppe and walked cluelessly through several aisles that look like this lovely photo. I finally asked where "the ear candles" were. Now surprisingly, they weren't in the "ear section" because, as I learned, the FDA doesn't actually allow these little beauties to be marketed as "ear candles" which is why they also have no INSTRUCTIONS. Well, that's reassuring! I picked lavender scented ones.

When JakeRyan got home I told him he had to help me. I was prepared with the candle and a paper plate with a hole punched in it to catch any flaming debris that could fall off and scar me for life. He was more disgusted by the thought of assisting with a flaming earwax candle than watching me give birth to his three children.

It didn't work and frankly, it wasn't nearly as gross as I was expecting.

So I spent the next 12 days half-deaf.

I was screaming at the kids because they were actually talking too quietly. "What? Talk into my good ear."

I was pretending I heard 100% of what sales people said. I told my boss that if I wasn't responding it was simply because I couldn't hear him...hmmm. But fortunately for me I was still able to hear my husband's snoring.

Finally, after my 10th attempt at some drops and another rendezvous with a bulb syringe, all was right in the world again. And now I can't get any peace and quiet.


  1. Oh my goodness, that would drive me BATTY. My brother-in-law was half-deaf for a week due to massive ear wax buildup (EWWWWW) due to excessive use of ear plugs and he said he didn't mind. Said that life was too noisy. LOL

    Glad all is well!

  2. I'm laughing... a lot, actually, but not AT you..I'm laughing WITH you. I have perpetual ear wax problems. In fact, my husband will never let me forget when, after 2 years of marriage, I looked at him one day and said "i have an ear wax problem. Did you know that about me?" and who says romance is dead. Never resorted to a candle though, but now I won't because it obviously doesn't work ;)

  3. I just want you to know that I came here to read your post about earwax before going to read Amanda's post about Google+. Which should tell you where my priorities lie on the blogging spectrum - learn something new about the latest wave in social media evolution or laugh my ass off? ;)

    OK, I'm heading over to Amanda's now. But I'm still laughing at the image of the old man at the doctor's office singing Neil Diamond songs out loud (that you could only half hear).

  4. Ear issues bother the crap out of me. My right ear always gets plugged after swimming too. It sucks.

  5. Oh my gosh I love 'it only half matters because I only half heard it.' I do not believe the ear candles work at all. My husband and I once did an experiment (because this is how we spend our time) on running one in our ear and then the other just out in the air on its own. Both had the same results. Total scam!

  6. Ok, I'm sorry but I am laughing. Not at your pain, but b/c you are so dang funny. And I love Handflapper's advice. My right ear was clogged the whole last month of my pregnancy and I was too scared to go to the dr. b/c I didn't want antibiotics. I couldn't take it anymore so when I went, it turned out to be a giant ball of wax. Ewwwwww!

  7. Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh...I am SO glad your head was not engulfed in flames, truly!

  8. I'm with Elena that 'it only half matters because I only half heard it' f-u-n-n-y!

    But, I also think it would be horribly annoying, so, I'm sorry!

  9. Oh my gosh, that would drive me absolutely insane!! I've never tried an ear candle. Then again with my lack of coordination I'd have no hair left!

  10. Whenever I get water in my ear at the pool or beach I have to get it out immediately or else I truly cannot STAND it...worst feeling in the world! Your poor ear :(