Friday, June 24, 2011

The Case of the Mysterious Boob Writer

I have no experience whatsoever in law enforcement, but I feel that I’m qualified to dabble in the field since I have seen most episodes of CSI and the beginning of many CSI Miamis up until David Caruso’s stupid one-liners and I realize how annoying he is (thus turning it off).

EXHIBIT A
Anyway, we had a cold case in our house. That’s another police term. Impressed?

Let’s take a moment to flash back to Valentine’s Day when I found three pieces of torn up pink envelope on the floor of little kids’ room (Exhibit A). Two pieces were blank and one had a single word very neatly printed on it in lowercase letters: boob. Please see Exhibit A and imagine the word "boob" on there. 

Boob??? Yes, the word “boob” was on a torn up piece of paper in the room of a 2-year-old and a 4-year old. Channeling my inner Gil Grisolm, I put on my latex gloves (no I didn’t) and made the summation that since it was a pink envelope and it was around Valentine’s Day that this piece of evidence was new. I didn’t need any Q-tips and bottles of liquid to figure it out.


My first and only suspect: Ryan. He’s the only kid that can write. I’m a CSI genius.

Me: “Ryan, did you write 'boob' on a piece of paper?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me:  “Really Ryan? You’re the only kid in this house that can write.”
Ryan:  “I didn’t do it. Why would I write ‘boob’ on a piece of paper?” ***He was clearly trying to throw me off his trail by using logic, but I wasn’t falling for it. I’m no rookie.***
Me:  “Well Ryan, do you think it was Justin who doesn’t know his ABCs?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me: “How about your sister who can’t spell?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me: “How about Daddy? Do you think Daddy would write ‘boob’ on a piece of paper?”
Ryan: “Maybe.” ***He was right, it’s not outside the realm of possibility. Daddy does like boobs.***
Me: “I don’t think Daddy did it.”
Ryan: “Well, it wasn’t me. The handwriting is too neat.”

Hmmm. The suspect had a valid point. His writing is atrocious and his teacher would corroborate his story. Handwriting analysis would clear him. Either way, he SAID he didn’t do it. I had to take his word for it. He’s generally pretty honest. I threw away the original boob paper.

It was an unsolved mystery…or was it? This would be the perfect place for a David Caruso cheeseball look at the camera. “…or was it?”
EXHIBIT B

A few weeks later, more envelope pieces turned up. Same crime scene location, but now more evidence: an envelope piece and a book.

This time Ryan’s dad finds the “boob” piece. Only this piece says “Eric is a boob.” Who is this Eric and why is he a boob? Exhibit B. 

JakeRyan: “RYAAAANNN!!!”
EXHIBIT C
Ryan: “I didn’t do it!”
JakeRyan: “Yes, you did. Who else would have? Is this the same Eric that talked you into writing a nasty letter to that kid on the bus?”

My husband didn’t know that Ryan had already endured the same interrogation several weeks earlier from me. The kid was about to get it. The last thing we needed was for our kid to be the one talking about boobs on the bus. But just like Grisolm, always giving the likely suspect the benefit of the doubt, I focused on a crucial piece of evidence, the Disney Princess manners book.

Exhibit C: A hand-me-down Disney Princess book about manners was pulled off the book shelf.

And just as the kid was being led to the electric chair (which translates into no real punishment at, all just having to hear his father lecture relentlessly about being nice to kids on the bus) I ran down the stairs with a break in the case.

“WAIT!!!” I said as I held up the manners book. “He really didn’t do it!” And then I proceeded to tell how that book was from Marissa. “Who the hell is Marissa?” JakeRyan asked. The guy is clueless. Was this mysterious Marissa a blackjack dealer? A showgirl? A Russian spy?

“You know, Marissa…she lives down the street from Miss Cherie (the babysitter)?” Still clueless.  "Anyway, it’s a book about manners and they have little thank-you notes and envelopes in there.” He wasn't buying it.


EXHIBIT D
“Really, Ryan’s handwriting is way too ugly for him to have written that. Plus, her brother’s name is Eric and frankly, he IS a bit of a boob. You've met him...” And apparently according to his sister and Exhibit D, Eric is also a "Bob." Case closed. And Ryan's good name has been cleared. And I'm thankful that he's not yet as interested in boobs as his Dad is. 

18 comments:

  1. Funny story. I'm so glad Ryan was absolved of the crime. I nearly creamed my kids for carving numbers into my inherited piano. Until I looked more closely at the numbers and realized it was my childhood phone number. The culprit had to have been one of my siblings.

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  2. Seriously, this and your investigation skills are freaking hysterical. I love that you had your own child line up for a mug shot!

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  3. I love this :) (and the mug shots!) you clearly should be the next Marg Helgenberger - or ya know, whichever one you want to be (Emily Proctor? Eva LaRue? you could probably even be on CSI: NY if you wanted - Gary Sinese seems to be way less annoying than David Caruso, but whatever!!)

    next time we have a mystery in our house I'll know who to contact. (and no. it won't be the cop that I married. he's useless in cases such as these.) ;)

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  4. Not sure why other guys don't comment on here, but I like the CSI ones. It's like a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in Ali goodness.

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  5. Haha this was awesome. I was thinking it was really your husband up until the end.

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  6. Who knew watching CSI could come in so useful? (I stopped watching Miami too, was going to poke my own eyes out after a while)

    Love the mugshot, awesome!

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  7. I am laughing so hard!!! Awesome post!!!

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  8. Holy cow...I was laughing all the way through this post!!!! XD Hilarious, girl. So awesome :)

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  9. Oh my gosh, this was hilarious!! And the mug shots? So cute!!

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  10. You better hope Ryan doesn't begin watching Law & Order, he just may file suit for a violation of his civil rights and slander. :-)

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  11. The mugshots are priceless! Just like CSI you solved the case "just in time"!

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  12. Awesome.

    (From Just Jennifer)

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  13. Ha! So glad you figured this out.

    Just another reason, watching all those crime dramas are good for you.

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  14. Love your writing style! Found you through Studio 30 and am your newest follower!

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  15. You had me cracking up at this post!! Thank goodness it ended up NOT being your little one writing the mysterious notes.

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  16. I'm just glad that it wasn't an upside down backwards "poop"!

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  17. I just stumbled across your blog today and this post made me laugh- especially because my husband's name is Eric. I'll have to let him know that he's a boob. He'll probably be pretty proud!

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