Wednesday, June 29, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "Flea" Edition

We have a St. Patrick's Day tradition where we spray the kids' hair green. They LOVE it. I also have a little thing where I like to take pictures of my kids and do match-ups to who I think they look like. Its a curse.

My boss Sam said Ryan looks like Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers in this picture. What do you think?

And here's the original to see all my little freaks.


Since I know you didn't see my St. Patty's Day post with this guy riding the fire truck so HERE'S THE LINK

Monday, June 27, 2011

I Shoulda Been A Princess

I'm still a weeee bit obsessed with the Royal Wedding and pretty much all things Middleton. Click here for the post I wrote about the wedding a while back.

As a seasoned married person, I think about the newlyweds and imagine that their new life is very different than mine was after we got married almost 11 years ago. For instance, William isn't waiting tables at the Cheesecake Factory.

The other morning as I was in a zombie-like state making my 457th PB&J of the year I thought to myself "Hmmm. Princess Catherine will never have to stand in her messy kitchen and make PB&Js in triplicate."

And then it occurred to me.


Damn commoner.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Case of the Mysterious Boob Writer

I have no experience whatsoever in law enforcement, but I feel that I’m qualified to dabble in the field since I have seen most episodes of CSI and the beginning of many CSI Miamis up until David Caruso’s stupid one-liners and I realize how annoying he is (thus turning it off).

Anyway, we had a cold case in our house. That’s another police term. Impressed?

Let’s take a moment to flash back to Valentine’s Day when I found three pieces of torn up pink envelope on the floor of little kids’ room (Exhibit A). Two pieces were blank and one had a single word very neatly printed on it in lowercase letters: boob. Please see Exhibit A and imagine the word "boob" on there. 

Boob??? Yes, the word “boob” was on a torn up piece of paper in the room of a 2-year-old and a 4-year old. Channeling my inner Gil Grisolm, I put on my latex gloves (no I didn’t) and made the summation that since it was a pink envelope and it was around Valentine’s Day that this piece of evidence was new. I didn’t need any Q-tips and bottles of liquid to figure it out.

My first and only suspect: Ryan. He’s the only kid that can write. I’m a CSI genius.

Me: “Ryan, did you write 'boob' on a piece of paper?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me:  “Really Ryan? You’re the only kid in this house that can write.”
Ryan:  “I didn’t do it. Why would I write ‘boob’ on a piece of paper?” ***He was clearly trying to throw me off his trail by using logic, but I wasn’t falling for it. I’m no rookie.***
Me:  “Well Ryan, do you think it was Justin who doesn’t know his ABCs?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me: “How about your sister who can’t spell?”
Ryan: “No.”
Me: “How about Daddy? Do you think Daddy would write ‘boob’ on a piece of paper?”
Ryan: “Maybe.” ***He was right, it’s not outside the realm of possibility. Daddy does like boobs.***
Me: “I don’t think Daddy did it.”
Ryan: “Well, it wasn’t me. The handwriting is too neat.”

Hmmm. The suspect had a valid point. His writing is atrocious and his teacher would corroborate his story. Handwriting analysis would clear him. Either way, he SAID he didn’t do it. I had to take his word for it. He’s generally pretty honest. I threw away the original boob paper.

It was an unsolved mystery…or was it? This would be the perfect place for a David Caruso cheeseball look at the camera. “…or was it?”

A few weeks later, more envelope pieces turned up. Same crime scene location, but now more evidence: an envelope piece and a book.

This time Ryan’s dad finds the “boob” piece. Only this piece says “Eric is a boob.” Who is this Eric and why is he a boob? Exhibit B. 

JakeRyan: “RYAAAANNN!!!”
Ryan: “I didn’t do it!”
JakeRyan: “Yes, you did. Who else would have? Is this the same Eric that talked you into writing a nasty letter to that kid on the bus?”

My husband didn’t know that Ryan had already endured the same interrogation several weeks earlier from me. The kid was about to get it. The last thing we needed was for our kid to be the one talking about boobs on the bus. But just like Grisolm, always giving the likely suspect the benefit of the doubt, I focused on a crucial piece of evidence, the Disney Princess manners book.

Exhibit C: A hand-me-down Disney Princess book about manners was pulled off the book shelf.

And just as the kid was being led to the electric chair (which translates into no real punishment at, all just having to hear his father lecture relentlessly about being nice to kids on the bus) I ran down the stairs with a break in the case.

“WAIT!!!” I said as I held up the manners book. “He really didn’t do it!” And then I proceeded to tell how that book was from Marissa. “Who the hell is Marissa?” JakeRyan asked. The guy is clueless. Was this mysterious Marissa a blackjack dealer? A showgirl? A Russian spy?

“You know, Marissa…she lives down the street from Miss Cherie (the babysitter)?” Still clueless.  "Anyway, it’s a book about manners and they have little thank-you notes and envelopes in there.” He wasn't buying it.

“Really, Ryan’s handwriting is way too ugly for him to have written that. Plus, her brother’s name is Eric and frankly, he IS a bit of a boob. You've met him...” And apparently according to his sister and Exhibit D, Eric is also a "Bob." Case closed. And Ryan's good name has been cleared. And I'm thankful that he's not yet as interested in boobs as his Dad is. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "Paper Lingerie" Edition

A few weeks ago my daughter came home with a little item she made in school.

"What the heck is this?" I asked. She just smirked at me, a little embarrassed, ignoring the question.

"Well what do you do with it?"

"You wear it," she said. I had noticed that it had a paper strap around the back.

"Well put it on then." She picked it up and did the best she could to get it where it was supposed to go.

"What the heck is it???" I asked again, thinking the design was curiously familiar. Then I remembered the week before when we were reading stories and how she asked if we could read Ariel next because "Justin likes her bra."

I guess if you really want the bra and all your mom will buy you are frilly princess dresses, you have to take matters into your own hands.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Lesson I Learned About Photos of Skanks

Last week I walked into the family room to see my 4-year-old daughter concentrating very seriously on the latest issue of Glamour which I'd left laying on the counter. She does this all the time. She loves looking at pictures of fancy ladies, jewelry, makeup and her fantastically wonderful new discovery: magazine perfume samples. She critiques my fashion choices for heaven's sake!

I grabbed my camera, took this shot and quickly ran in and posted it to Facebook for all our friends and family to laugh at my misery. No one was surprised as she's quite the little fashionista. We are all well aware that this child can pull off any look no matter how gaudy and wacky and this is what we loooovvve about her. She's the Rachel Zoe of the preschool set.

I got back to my tweeting. Two minutes later she walked in with a disgusted look on her face and showed me what she'd found. Appropriately, this month's Dos and Don'ts section was "100 All-Time Best Summer Dos and Don'ts." She took a particular interest in these two lovely young ladies below. They must be best friends seeing as they have their hands all over each other. Yay for friendship!

Again I grabbed my camera...and then grabbed the magazine away from her.

I've been a parent for almost eight years and this is the first time I've ever thought that maybe I should be more careful with what magazines I leave around. How did I never think of this? Geez! It's a stinkin' Glamour magazine. It's not like a Hustler. I have magazines all over the house.

Yet another little lesson. Who'd have thunk it? It doesn't naturally occur to me that there is inappropriate content in Glamour or Redbook. I get a laugh out of skanky chicks in thongs (and revel in the fact that I'm not a "Don't"). And as for the other more saucy stuff...I've been married 10 years and I pretty much skip right over the 'how to spice up your love life' section. If I haven't done it by now, I'm not gonna start because an article got me to thinkin'. Same for all that inspirational "be the best YOU' drivel in Woman's Day, etc. I don't have time for inspiration...

Oh well, no harm, no foul. Then I realized. HOLY CRAP, THE BIG ONE CAN READ! Thank goodness he has no interest in women's fashion magazines and hasn't ever picked up one of the dozens that I have laying around. However if he'd perused this particular issue he'd have learned the following useful little tidbits:
  • A summer "don't" is the "Boob-Grab."
  • 21% of men polled suck in their stomach the first time a woman sees them naked.
  • A particular gentleman who consented to having his photo taken and offered his name to Glamour is "ticklish around his thighs." Good to know.
  • On a first date, don't worry about whether or not he's "trying to get into your pants." 
  • And the worst, right there on the COVER: "How Sex Really Feels..."
Yep, once again, I'm living up to my two most favorite titles: "Mother of the Year" and "Really Awful Housekeeper." 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Nobody Ever Takes Pictures of the Third Kid

Not true when your mom upgrades her camera with each kid. Third kid + better camera = more pictures.  Now if I just had some time for editing.

"OK, Justin - run really fast!"

That's water, not drool (I'm pretty sure). What I do know is that we were there for almost 3 hours. He drank a dozen juice boxes and he didn't even ask to go to the bathroom once.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Updating My Resume - Postition: Slut

My husband (gotta love him) isn't much of an internet user. He has a personal email that he never checks. He only has a Facebook page because he wanted to find one guy. That's it. Don't get me wrong, he can rock an Excel spreadsheet like a madman, but he couldn't care less about social media.

Recently, at the urging of his coworkers he joined LinkedIn (for those of you who are unfamiliar, it's basically like Facebook for professional contacts - I happen to think it's a must-have for anyone with a career). Note: I've told him to join dozens of times to no avail.

Last week he came home and told me he got on LinkedIn. "Really? Well why haven't you sent me a request to connect?" Insert some crap about him not knowing how to do it or really caring...blah blah.

"OK, I'm going to send you a request." So the next day, I went into my office and decided I was going to be funny. And instead of answering the required 'how I know him' with the usual connection of "friend" or "other" in the little request box that pops up, I made up a company name and a title for my request to him because I'm so damned funny...

Company: Hubba Hubba
Title: Beastmaster
From: 1991 - 2011 (for all the years we've been together, barf)

Oh yeah. I'm a freaking riot aren't I? And obviously not particularly 'hot' or creative. Hubba Hubba was the best I could come up with??? Hubba Hubba? I hit send I forgot about it. He never mentioned it.

This week, I was in the office with my boss and he wanted to send my profile to a colleague of his. I was standing right behind him looking at my own profile when I saw Hubba Hubba on my page!

"OH MY GOSH! WAIT! DON'T SEND IT!" - and then I had to explain.

So here's a tip: Evidently, when you just say you worked somewhere, LinkedIn believes you and saves you the trouble of updating your own profile. Thanks a million LinkedIn!

This can only happen to me.

Luckily, my boss knows me. Knows I'm not a raging whore and knows I'm not stupid enough to make a joke out of my LinkedIn profile...more than once.  And by the way, my husband wasn't the only person I sent requests to that day. It sat out there for well over a week like that. Interestingly, I had no job offers for Director of Domination or anything!

I linked up with Bruna at Bees With Honey today. Bruna, I hope I'm not embarrassing you... :)
Let's BEE Friends

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "Shower Curtain" Edition

Welcome to the third installment of WTF Wednesday. I thought calling it an "installment" makes it sound very important, wouldn't you agree?

This week's WTF moment is from this Monday...yes two days ago. I walked into the downstairs bathroom to find this.

Really, there's no explanation. The most mind-boggling part is that nobody USES this shower so there is absolutely no reason for the curtain to ever be moved, let alone strategically placed in the toilet bowl.

Initially, I stood there in awe attempting to replay any scenario at all that might justify this oddity. 

How does a shower curtain end up in the toilet? Why is this happening to me? Is this all a cruel joke? Do my kids secretly sense that it's a slow blogging week for Mom and they should probably do something wacky to make it pick up?

Hold on. Let me look closer. Is that in the...? Oh crap, it's wet! I hope there's not pee in there. 

Then I ran for my camera because it's a slow blogging week and a shower curtain in the toilet bowl just made it pick up.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Baby Funky Town - The Bump

I saw the cutest idea for a blog link-up ever and couldn't resist. Thanks to Shell at Things I Can't Say for sharing "Rockin' the Bump'.

Three summers ago we were preparing for the arrival of Baby Funky Town. Yes, this was the working name thanks to his big brother because it took us the full 9 months to come up with the oh-so-creative "Justin." ...and his middle name is after our dog. True story.

Baby Funky Town was a 'surprise' to say the least and it took me 9++++ months to come to grips with the fact that he'll be staying with us for the long haul. I took this unexpected third pregnancy as the last chance I'd have to take some fancy maternity photos.

My very talented friend Virginia Hartman shot these 2 days before Baby Funky Town came shimmying into our lives.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Out In Public With 6 Kids - Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer

A few weeks ago on a Saturday morning I was doing dishes while the kids were watching TV in the next room.

Let's take a moment while you get the visual of me doing dishes so you can laugh.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of Heather Graham. I LOVE HER. I mean ever since License to Drive and of course she was the mother of the E.T. robot baby in The Hangover.

What? A kid's movie? Judy Moody? Hmmm. That might be do-able.

A few days later I was invited to attend a screening of Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer. The stars aligned and I was going to attempt to take my kids to a movie. Not only my kids, but my girlfriends Lisa and Lori and their kids too.

"Mom! How many more days 'till we see Judy Moooooddddyyy?" 

We YouTubed the trailer a dozen times to get psyched up. Judy Moody was my new vehicle for getting things done. "If you still want to see Judy Moody you have to clean up the playroom."

The girls bought the snacks. They insisted, but I still feel bad.

We got settled in. You have NO idea how hard it was to make sure the each kid was sitting next to the right other kid, but still close enough to their mothers.

But anyway, to get to the point, Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer was super cute. I really liked it (which is not a surprise because I like most kid movies.)

Storyline: Judy put together a list of things she and her three other friends had to do that summer in a contest to get 'thrill points.' Two of the friends bummed Judy out at the last minute when one was going to Circus Camp and the other to Borneo. Judy was stuck at home with Aunt Opal while her parents went to California and she had to try to do thrilling things at home.

The cinematography was very well done. I loved that they actually had 'words' on the screen several times throughout the movie to draw attention to certain things. This was very cool for the kids that can read...of course they read everything out loud.

Ryan's comment: "It is not a girl OR a boy movie." Which is a very good thing since the main character is a girl which might deter a lot of parents of boys. However, there were plenty of boy characters, Bigfoot and even a puke scene to keep the boys happy. I repeat: This is not just a movie for girls. And for the dads, there's a scene with Heather Graham running...

Heather Graham was charming as always and the kids in it were so NOT overbearing like most kid actors.

BONUS: Urkel! Yes, Jaleel White, Steve Urkel from Family Matters played Judy's teacher. AND he played the banjo. We love Urkel!

And yes, they're already asking for the DVD. We give Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer 18 thumbs up.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Twitter Twins? Maybe...

Last week Jessica from the blog Four Plus an Angel took on a little pet project of assinging a few of her friends with what she called their "TwitterTwin."

Below is an excerpt from Jessica's June 1 post. This week Jessica's June 7 Twitter Twins post  also introduced a contest.

"Yesterday I casually mentioned that when I first started tweeting and was completely over-twitter-whelmed, I thought @thetamom and @shellthings were the same person. It took me ages to match them up with the correct blogs and realize that they were not one super-human tweeter/blogger."

Soon she paired me up with Rach from Life With Baby Donut, @DonutsMama. Incedentally, we weren't even following each other on Twitter (we are now).

Here's what Jessica cooked up for us.

Initially, the only resemblance we saw was the brown hair and toothy smiles, but after further review, we realized that we do bear some striking similarities.

For instance, we both drink coffee the same way.

We're both love our lipstick. Hot Mamas!

We're both AWESOME at getting the mail from the mailbox.

And we both enjoy stimulating literature.

There are probably so many more similarities, we might even be real twins separated at birth.

But a BIG THANK YOU to Jessica for taking her time to help us all find our Twitter Twins!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

WTF Wednesday - The "Eyeshadow" Edition

Welcome to WTF Wednesday.

This week's WTF moment came from May 2010 when my kids were suffering from the plague right after I started a new job.

I had no choice but to leave them home with their father who evidently couldn't find a hairbrush and gave our make-up obsessed daughter markers. And no, they weren't washable.


Monday, June 6, 2011

I Paid $93 for this Dance Costume...

"I paid $93 for this dance costume and I'll be damned if she's not going to dance!"

Our daughter is ridiculously shy. She's the kind of kid who hides behind you in the presence of other adults, clinging for dear life to your leg as you struggle not to trip over her. It was only a few days ago that she froze at her Pre-K graduation and covered her eyes and cried in hysterics until I walked up and got her.

Graduation wasn't her first bout of stage fright either. It happened a few times at dance class too when the parents were invited in to watch. Full on crying. But even knowing this, we were going to make her suck it up and give it a go. I had a $93 dollar costume investment and several relatives counting on it.

So I set out to make her look like a hooker ballerina. I had some blue eyeshadow that I had to use for something after all. Neutrals just weren't cutting it and blue was the only color that showed up. Leave it to my kid to totally pull off the look too. Mascara, glitter, pink lipstick. The whole nine yards. I did an awesome job because I'm an awesome mom (just threw that in).

Onto the hair, which she doesn't have much of thanks to her little shenanigans with the scissors the one time I took a nap the entire year of 2010...However, after twisting her curls up into a little bun, I shellacked this girl's hair so well it could have taken a bullet.Yes, my child could have been shot in the head an lived to not tell about it...because she's so shy.

To my absolute astonishment, dress rehearsal went off without a hitch. I think it's because she couldn't see me sitting there. Now we were off to get her picture taken with her partner in crime, Molly and then lunch at Chik-fil-A (alas, it wasn't a Sunday - yay!)

Then back for the recital. I'll cut to the chase *yes, I should have done that before* the kid danced!!! She didn't smile and hardly looked into the audience, but she danced! And I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

They asked for no flash photography, hence the grainy shots.

Here's Molly - you'll notice I half-assedly just cloned her into the picture and cut some other insignificant kid out. Are we keeping you awake Molly?

And now that we have determined that she's a future prima ballerina we had a little picture takin' to do.

Posing with her mom, Aunt Tanya and cousin Kate.

Refusing to allow us to take a picture of her face.

She's already being a diva: ignoring her biggest fan when all he wanted was a kiss.

It was a long day. All that attention made her mighty tired.

I particularly like this shot of her with her makeup running down her face. She looks like Ozzy Osbourne. ROCK ON! She's going to kick ass at soccer in the fall.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Pre-K Graduations are Overrated Anyway

Pre-K Graduation. The "walking in" part went OK. She got a glimpse of me and her brother. Cool.

This is actually my daughter's first Pre-K graduation (she'll be doing it again next year thanks to her being too young to go to Kindergarten).

Which is a good thing because as soon as she got a glimpse of me and her brother...

And here she is saying the Pledge of Allegiance. What a patriot.

Now they're getting ready to sing. Let's see how this goes. Notice the girl behind her. She's saying "What the heck is wrong with her?" 

And then pretty soon her teacher asked if I'd come get her to sit on my lap.

There was an empty little red seat in the first row for the rest of the ceremony.

At least we have next year.

I bet her dance recital on Saturday is going to be just dandy.

Let's BEE Friends

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Introducing WTF Wednesdays!!!

Introducing WTF?!?! Wednesdays

Why, you may ask? I'll tell you.

I've started to read a lot of blogs...a lot of them. Many (especially the Mommy blogs) have a cute little piece that they do called "Wordless Wednesdays." It's all very delicious, really. These are sweet, meaningful photographs documenting important of moments in their lives. Most of them are sweet and quiet. I like these posts very much.

Problem: anyone who has ever met me knows that "wordless" isn't exactly my bag. However, I loved the idea of having something regular to post, especially something that allows me to be lazy and "wordless."

Thus the creation of WTF Wednesdays! Let's be honest, WFT suits our family a bit better than wordless. Wouldn't you agree? And it also allows me to be a rule-follower and throw a word in now and then.

PLEASE feel free to comment in the comment section or leave a caption to the photo.

Note: I thought of this myself, but after Googling it, I see that lots of other class acts do it too.