Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dear Kate on the Eve of Your Wedding

Dear Kate,

Greetings from across the pond. Can I call you Kate? I figure I can until Friday when you're officially Princess Catherine.

This is just a little congratulatory note to you on your upcoming nuptials. Hey, no hard feelings for not inviting us to the wedding either. I think of it as being lucky enough to not have to smile my way through my 59th bridal shower. "Oh wow! That's a nice can opener!" But if by chance I had been invited, and you got married in 1998, here's what I would have looked like making a phone call.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to offer you some marital advice as you embark on your most joyous adventure with Prince William. Clearly, our mothers gave us the same advice when they told us "you can fall in love with a rich man just as easily as a poor man." Good call on taking that advice Sister! You outdid yourself you little overachiever!

I feel that I'm qualified to offer this advice to you for the following reasons:
  • I've been married for 10 years
  • We both have brown hair
  • My father's middle name is William
  • I have a niece named Kate
  • I've seen Mary Poppins numerous times
  • I own a conservative blue dress (although mine is actually black, kinda slutty and bought at Macy's)
  • I'm close personal friends with your future Grandmother-in-law. Here's a photo of me and the Queen (taken with my own camera). I actually call her Liz. Good times. 


 I'm including my wedding photo for you as my credentials.


I look back fondly on my own wedding. Might I suggest a Soul Train line on the dance floor? If you're wedding is like mine, the Queen might just do the bump to Donna Summer's Bad Girls with your uncle.

Soon you'll be off on your honeymoon. Something you should nip in the bud: When you're tired and go to bed, Prince William might want to go down and drink in the bar with the two nice overweight gay guys you befriended. Nothing bad will come of it, but for God's sake - it's your honeymoon! Don't stand for it.

In our first year of marriage, we bought our first house. I think you might have that "palace thing" already taken care of, but if you don't, you might consider inviting Prince Harry and some of his chaps over to help you guys move. Just buy them a case of beer and you'll be golden.

And if you're as blessed as we are, soon you'll be having little Heirs-to-the-Throne of your own. Now, when you're sitting at a barbecue restaurant and you go into labor DO NOT let Prince William try to talk you into hanging out a while longer because he just ordered all-you-can-eat ribs. No princess should have to sit at a BBQ place in labor, let alone for ribs!!! They weren't even baby back! Instead, go back to the palace and wait while he showers and brews a pot of coffee before driving you to the hospital.

Do you guys celebrate Mother's Day over there in England? If so, feel free to have William call my husband when he needs some advice on what to get you for your first Mother's Day gift. I was given a nice little lucky bamboo plant from Walgreens. Nothing says "thank you for bearing the future King of England" like a terracotta pot with a face on it.

And if by chance William is jet skiing on the 4th of July and loses his wedding ring in the ocean, it's not a big deal. Oh never mind. Sorry about that. 4th of July might be a touchy subject for you Brits...

I guess I can also skip over the mother-in-law advice.

In my opinion the most important thing to remember about marriage is to always have fun. For instance, if Prince William tells you that he prefers you to put the tongs back into the utensil container tong-side-down, I recommend doing the exact opposite to piss him off. Seriously, that's what I call fun. And you should totally learn how to mock him. Great!

Well, at the risk of running too long (I'm sure you've got a tiara fitting or something) I'll sign off now.

One last bit of advice: Knowing that there are going to be billions of people watching your wedding might make a girl nervous. Just picture them in their underwear. Really...it will be 4 a.m. at my house and I'll really be in bed in my underwear watching it on TV and Facebooking with my friend Leigh.

Pip Pip Cheerio! I hope that's correct. I learned it from an episode of the Backyardigans.

Love,
A

For those of you who wanted to follow us by e-mail, I stuck a little thing over there on the upper right-hand side of the page for you to get updates. It's called "Follow us by E-mail"... Ironic, I know. 

5 comments:

  1. Seriously, I find myself laughing to tears every time I read your blog!!!

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  2. Great as usual. Lina will be watching too, maybe you can chat@

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  3. I love this. I'm following you, here, and FB AND twitter - and I'm contemplating signing up via email... just so I don't miss anything LOL (oh wait... does that make me a stalker?? maybe I should stop right where I'm at... hmmm.) ;)

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