When Ryan was three, he used to get in his little red motorized Jeep and say "I'm going to Home Depot." Awwwww. His sweet imaginary trip to the store was so unbelievably, perfectly, wonderfully adorable. So cute in fact that it even deserves another "awwwww."
Yesterday, we took three real live kids to Home Depot. Which pretty much changes that "awwwww" to a bit of an "ewwwww" in my opinion, or at least an "uggggg."
One must understand that in order for us to do this, it has to be for something that really requires the input of BOTH adults in the family. This time was to pick out exterior paint colors, something we knew all three children would simply love...
At the house, I said to my smokin' hot husband who didn't look fit to be seen in public, "OK, I'm ready when you are."
"I AM ready," he said.
"Geez, don't you think that for once you can put on your gross yard clothes after we get home? How embarassing. What if we see someone we know?"
Oh yeah, ladies! Back off, this hunk of man or something is all mine. I know you like those work shorts and fishing shirt with holes and dirt stains. And those boots and socks. Yeah baby!
I grabbed Justin as we were passing the Jeep on the left. "Was Daaaat Mommy?"
"That's a Jeep, a yellow Jeep."
"I lak a da Jeep." I bet you do kid. I bet you do.
Before we even got in the door Ryan had to touch something. Some big yellow phallic looking thing that he grabbed and tried to pick up.
"Look at me. I'm strong." But he didn't say it like he really thinks he's strong, he said it with his best Vera De Milo voice (Google it, it's worth it) .
Still, the very nice management allowed us to enter the store where we found ourselves in the paint section looking for a color to match our unfortunate green shingle roof.
Immediately, my Disney-obsessed child ran over to the Disney paint section and protested wholeheartedly that we were looking at the Behr instead of the Disney paint. So like we've done on several occasions, we made like we were actually interested in the Disney paint so we could give our kids some of those Mickey Mouse-shaped paint chips so fellow shoppers wouldn't disapprove. However, the names of the paint colors all had Disney characters in them so Ryan was thrilled and occupied!
Sharpay Evans (her nickname for today) was looking at a booklet containing a room decorated with a High School Musical theme which she showed me 17 times as I was analyzing several shades of light green that looked exactly the same to my hot husband and the Home Depot paint guy. "Look Mommy, High School Musical! High School Musical! High School Musical, High School Musical..!"
Wait, what is it? Oh yes, High School Musical.
Meanwhile, Justin had confiscated his father's empty coffee cup and began writing his own original song entitled "Daddy's Coffee Cup." Let's just say there are only three words in this song, but it lasts well over two minutes. He polished it with a little dance and Joe Cocker face.
Unfortunately, the extended version of "Daddy's Coffee Cup" was cut short when he sneezed and shot Chernobyl Green snot (at least that would be what I'd call it if I was in charge of naming paint colors) onto the jars of sample paint as well his face.
Panicked, I asked the paint guy for a paper towel and he handed me a cloth rag which I didn't realize was cloth until I was mid snot-wipe. I asked him if he wanted it back. He declined...
Paint samples were purchased and now we were heading to the garden section where my smokin' hot husband pointed out the Veggie Tales branded seeds. Of course, Ryan wanted them. So much he was willing to make a little video:
Outside, Hottie McHotterson handed me a list of landscaping necessieites scrawled onto an envelope and told me to find a plant for "next to the foxtail palm."
"What the heck is a foxtail palm?"
"The one in the corner near the garden."
Blank stare from me.
"It's just a palm tree. Find something for next to the palm tree!!!"
More blank stare...and he grabbed the envelope and pushed the cart in the other direction all disgusted like. Imagine that! Me not knowing every species of palm tree in my own yard. I'm such a disappointment.
Not to be outdone by a guy with a hole in the armpit of his shirt, I grabbed Ryan's hand and yanked him in the other direction. "Mom, you don't want to be here, do you?"
I was thinking, "In the garden section, no. Holding your hand anywhere, YES." That kid totally gets me.
By now Sharpay Evans was whining that she wanted to get out of the sun and her little brother had kicked off his Crocs thus occupying himself by squeezing his piggies through the grates in the cart.
And 45 minutes later we were headed to the checkout counter without a single melt-down (other than the foxtail incident that was now forgotten)! Success!!!
Oh wait. Justin wants to open the lids on the paint samples and darn CJ the paint guy (who must have been psychic) screwed them on too tight for Justin to open. Foiled again!
So at minute 46, the tantrum ensued just as my camera battery died. And really, it was one of our better Home Depot visits. Nobody asked to sit on a riding mower!
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